The Indianapoliser

John Boehner Adjourns Congress for Recess to Attend Annual Gathering of the Juggalos

2013-08-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

Friday Sports Shorts

2013-02-08T09:19:00.003-08:00

Bob Kravitz Fakes Mild Heart Attack to Evade Real Heart Attack

On Friday, Feb. 1 Indianapolis Star sports columnist Bob Kravitz suffered a fake mild heart attack which landed him a weekend stay at the hospital. Kravitz suffered the fake heart attack knowing that the very real possibility of his heart exploding out of his chest cavity could occur during the Pacer/Heat game Friday night or the IU/Michigan game on Saturday night.

“I had to take precautionary measures. Listen, if I have a serious heart attack, there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to make it out to $2 buck Tuesdays over at the Checkered Flag.”

Brutal Schedule Inspires Pacers

The Indiana Pacers beat the Philadelphia 76ers Wednesday night for their third straight victory in as many nights. No other team in the NBA will play back to back to back games this season. While the players were not excited about the schedule, coach Vogel recognizes a unique opportunity.

“Let’s face it, adversity brings out the best in these guys,” said a whip yielding, leather-clad Frank Vogel. “I’m going to do everything I can to make life a living hell for them between now and June.”

Vogel has lobbied the league to schedule more back to back games, including several double headers. Team members will not be allowed to sleep for more than four hours any night for the rest of the season. Vogel also implemented an unusually brutal individual training regimen to ensure maximum discomfort while training:

• Roy Hibbert must sleep on a bed of razor blades.
• George Hill must listen to One Direction before each game.
•David West and Tyler Hansborough will now wrestle alligators instead of weight training.

This string of victories prompted Vogel to bring back his controversial warm-up practices for the first time since Danny Granger was injured during a “trust fall" from the Kreig Devault section at Bankers Life Fieldhouse.

Ray Lewis Stabs Fan for old Times Sake

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis allegedly stabbed a patron at the Bombay Club in the French Quarter of New Orleans late Sunday night. Lewis was with a group of friends.

“We’ve been through this before and we know the drill,” said Jerrell McIntyre, a close friend of Lewis. “I didn’t see Ray do anything.”

While his friends closed ranks, Lewis was more open about the stabbing.

“You know, I’ve been sentimental recently,” said Lewis. “I realize how blessed I am and that this is the last opportunity I’ll have to stab a motherfucker at a Super Bowl celebration after party. You gotta appreciate the moments in life as they pass you by.”

Seattle Goes All in for King Felix

On Thursday the Seattle Mariners signed Felix Hernandez to a contract extension that left many in the Pacific Northwest scratching their heads. Hernandez, a starting pitcher, will be paid $175 million over the next seven years. That makes Hernandez the highest paid pitcher in MLB history. However some of the other items in the contract confused baseball experts.

Starbucks will no longer charge Hernandez for anything on their menu. In addition to the money from the Mariners, the Washington state legislature passed a bill that would increase sales tax by 1%. All extra revenue generated from that increase will be paid to Hernandez. Finally, to keep him in the Pacific Northwest, Canada has officially turned over all land west of Calgary except for the city of Vancouver.

Puppy Bowl Massacre

On a sad note, Pit Bull puppy Anthony snapped after his toy was taken during Sunday’s Puppy Bowl. The Pit mix mauled and dismembered seven dogs causing the event to be canceled mid-way through. This was the worst Puppy Bowl mishap since the diarrhea disaster of ‘08.

2013-02-02T05:59:00.001-08:00

Pacers Beat Miami

The Indiana Pacers defeated the whiny Miami Heat by a score of 102 - 89 behind 30 points from David West. The Pacers showed confidence and were very aggressive on both ends of the court as they slowly built a double digit lead and held it for the duration of the game. After the game a frowny faced Eric Spoelstra stated the last two games against Indiana haven't been fair.

"The NBA needs to investigate the officiating," says a mean mugged Spoelstra. "Lebron has been called for way too many fouls when we've played them. It's like he gets whistled for a foul every other play!"

Lebron James was called for four fouls which doubles his personal foul total for the season. He was also called for traveling for the first time since 2005. After the game, Miami General Manager Pat Riley petitioned the NBA to open an investigation into all NBA officials for all of the "favortism they've shown Indiana" when these two teams play.

Meanwhile All Star Chris Bosh had 13 points, 2 rebounds, and 0 assists for the Heat while David West, not voted an All Star, had 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 5 assists for the Pacers. They play the same position. Just sayin

Friday Sports Shorts

2013-01-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

Luck Replaces Brady in Pro Bowl

The NFL added Indianapolis Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck to the AFC Pro Bowl roster this week. Luck replaces New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who annually bows out due to unspecified injuries.

Some speculate Brady injured himself attempting an uncoordinated karate kick at Ed Reed during the Patriots loss to the Ravens. But it's more likely he's just taking after his sore-loser coach, Bill Belichick, and would rather sit in a dark room and pout than play in the Pro Bowl. Brady refused to be interviewed after the decision, but could be spotted stomping out of the media room wearing a cut-off sweatshirt and UGG® boots.

Luck will backup the good natured, universally loved, former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning (who holds two more MVP awards than Tom Brady).

The Pro Bowl will take place this Sunday. If you're interested in watching the televised broadcast of the game, you should really, really consider getting some sort of hobby or finding a more fulfilling activity.

Chicago Cubs to Renovate Wrigley

The Chicago Cubs announced plans for a major renovation to historic Wrigley Field this week. Built in 1914, the ballpark has had only two major renovations until now. The 1937 renovation added stairs to the upper decks. The park added lights and installed restrooms in 1988.

This renovation will add several 32" tube televisions near concession stands, VHS players will be added to the press room, Internet will be available through many open phone jacks, the stadium will add more than a dozen payphones and vendors will also begin offering soft drinks such as Tab and Slice.

No word on whether the stadium will address the out-of-control weed problem plaguing the outfield wall.

New Orleans Changes Team Name Midseason

This week the New Orleans Hornets announced a team name change. Team officials cited a desire to come up with a team name that either related more with the city or with team owner, Tom Benson. Benson held a private, booze-fueled, party for senior staff to brainstorm.

Other names reportedly on the table at this social gathering were: "Drunken Tourists," "Redbilled Woodcocks," "Floodies," "Show me your tits and I'll give you a necklace," and "Nickelback."

The newly named Pelicans will retain this name until owner Tom Benson has another party.

WOLVERINES!

In B1G recruiting news Michigan locked up commitments from Penny Hardaway Jr., Jermaine O'Neal Jr. And Chris Mullins the VIII for the 2014 basketball season.

More Manti!

Manti Te'o sat down with serious journalist Katie Couric for his first televised interview since Fake Dead Girlfriendgate broke. Te'o insisted that he is just very naive and dumb throughout the conversation, but also added that he is "faaaar from gay." No one is exactly sure what that odd statement means. Deadspin is trying to decide whether it means he is in fact gay or homophobic as their around the clock Te'o coverage continues.

Friday Sports Shorts

2013-01-18T09:30:00.001-08:00

Armstrong Nuts Up and Comes Clean

Professional liar and former cyclist, Lance Armstrong, admitted to faking cancer this week. Armstrong told Oprah Winfrey in an exclusive interview that he injected his testicles with cancer to gain access to hospital meds and banned performance enhancing drugs while in recovery. It was all part of his broader, maniacal scheme to dupe the cycling world, gain lucrative endorsement deals and embarrass the French. He also took a moment to plug his new LIESTRONG bracelet, all proceeds from which go to support disgraced former athletes.

Te’o Linked to More Fake Dead Girls

Devout moron, Manti Te’o, is being called the Wilt Chamberlain of fake dead Internet girls after admitting earlier this week to dating more than 10,000 dead women from the Internet and fathering a dozen fake Internet children while at Notre Dame. Teammates claim Te’o frequently bragged about his swagger with the ladies on the web, but never got the chance to meet them in person because they were always either visiting family in another state, modeling in Europe or living in Canada. But, teammates were assured these ladies were all very, very real and like, super hot. But, one by one, they tragically died before friends got the chance to see them in person.

“I’m a little relieved to be honest,” said Brian Kelly, Notre Dame head coach. “All these girls ended up dead, I just assumed he was some sort of psycho killer. This is much better.”

Investigators are now looking into whether or not Manti Te’o’s grandmother ever actually existed.

Indianapolis Gets a Minor League Team for a Minor Sport

Dozens of local soccer fans celebrated the news that some league will bring a professional soccer team to Indianapolis in 2014.

Soccer, played mostly by children in the United States and adults in Europe, the developing world and other lesser places is a game that involves pointlessly running around a field for 90 minutes. Occasionally the ball is kicked into a net resulting in a “goal.” The game is much like hockey, in that no one really cares about it.

If you’d like to play in this league you must sign-up before season registration ends on March 1. The league is also looking for local moms with mini-vans to drive the team to road games.

Arians Dumps Colts, Picks Birds Over Bolts

Indianapolis Colts Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians just signed on as the Head Coach for the Arizona Cardinals. Arians was a front runner for jobs in Chicago, Philadelphia, and San Diego. Sources say he passed on the Chargers job in favor of the Cardinals, despite San Diego’s larger talent pool.

“The interview went well with Tom (Telesco),” said Arians. “They have a lot of special players there and I think they are on their way up. But, then I met Philip Rivers face to face. Holy crap, what a douchebag. You can’t pay me enough money to be in the same town as that ass hat. I’d rather take over a team where I have to post tryouts for a QB rather than tutor him!”

Brian Kelly Weighs All Options

After Notre Dame’s tough loss to Alabama in the BCS National Title game, Brian Kelly immediately went a week long whiskey bender. Rather than saying goodbye to his seniors Kelly ripped through four bottles of Jamison and was found in Philadelphia by the Notre Dame Athletic Department interviewing for Eagles head coaching position.

“I’m under contract with Notre Dame for a few more years but there’s nothing wrong with unzipping my pants to see if anyone else is interested,” said the drunken Irishmen. “I don’t give a fuck where or what I coach!” Kelly then blacked out.

It’s been reported that Kelly slept through a second interview with the Eagles that had been scheduled last Saturday morning.

After the initial interview Kelly left the country, going on a week long whiskey and beer tour. He was seen in England, Vancouver and Los Angeles interviewing for various coaching positions.

Saturday afternoon Kelly awoke at his desk in the Guglielmino Athletics Complex, where he chased two Advil with some Coors Light and announced he was staying at Notre Dame

ESPN filing lawsuit against Redskins and NFL for playoff field conditions

ESPN officially filed a lawsuit against the Washington Redskins for their field conditions prior to the Seahawks/Redskins game. The lawsuit claims the Redskins field negligence directly led to Robert Griffin III’s knee injury and lost the game for the Redskins.

“Now, without RGIII in the playoffs we have to show highlights of other teams we just don’t care about,” pouted ESPN morning host Mike Greenberg. “RGIII is the greatest to ever play football and we have to be able to show highlights year round. Its just not fair!”

With RGIII and the Redskins out of the playoffs, ESPN would like the NFL to award all positive playoff statistics of remaining quarterbacks to RGIII. For example, they would like to see the three touchdowns Joe Flacco tossed in Baltimore’s win over the Broncos tied to RGIII instead of Flacco Regardless of who wins the Super Bowl, ESPN would like the championship tied to the Redskins so they can start calling RGIII a Super Bowl Champion.

Blue II, Blue III, One Throne

2012-02-21T18:37:00.000-08:00

Last week’s introduction of Blue III, or “Trip” as he is also known, by Butler University has many embracing the push toward future success. But why would the university introduce another bulldog?

Trip was born on Dec. 23, 2011 in Lizton, Indiana. He is the grandson of Ch. Cherokee Legend Rock, a very successful bulldog in the competition circuit. Both Blue II and Trip live with a Butler staff member. Often they are mistaken for father and son by visitors. They are far from it.

Not too long ago another young Bulldog was introduced in a deep-rooted fieldhouse located in central Indiana. His future was bright and no one knew the glory that would grace his presence and his team. Blue II was his name and his team made one of the most improbable runs in NCAA history. Twice.

Blue II's success was swift and his chubby little legs could hardly keep up with the celebrity that he was. The light of two finals appearances quickly turned to darkness with two finals losses. The offseason brought little satisfaction to Blue II’s hungry soul. Thousands of bitches came and went. Blue II couldn't have cared less. He had already leg-humped his way to the top. Quickly Blue II turned to another love, dog bones, booze and regrettably...cocaine. Celebrity had truly taken hold of Blue II

Trip, the little fur-ball on energy signifies the energy of this young Butler team. A team that struggled at the beginning of the season but now has found its way. Many believe this team can still make some noise in the NCAA tournament but a Horizon League Tournament Championship must be acquired for this team to gain entrance. Who better to lead this team to victory than little Trip?

Long gone are Blue II’s puppy ways and the skip in his step. His testicles dropped ages ago and growing older has taken its toll on this eight-year-old “dawg.”

Fans have turned on Blue II for his offseason behavior as well. A summer arrest in which Blue II was found guilty of sodomizing felines in the back of his limo produced a cloud of uncertainty for his future with the team. Many blame Blue II for his distractions, which prompted the lackluster start to the season.

Trip and Blue II will have their moment in the sun together, at the tip-off of the Horizon League Tournament. Trip will glide to fame across the court at Hinkle Fieldhouse. Rumors are swirling about Blue II's role. Some believe he'll be sitting on the sideline taking in a victory lap season before retirement. Others suggest euthanization in front of thousands of bloodthirsty Bulldog fans for the good of the team, a sacrifice to the Basketball Gods at the tip of the tournament. No matter what you believe, Blue II will not go quietly. The drunken bastard will gnaw the hand off of any groundskeeper that tries to place him in a garbage bag and bury him.

A Butler insider says that they expect big things from Trip and for Butler fans to embrace him. “Everyone loves a puppy.” And, it appears he’s right. Butler’s Feb. 18 home game sold out at the announcement of Trip’s impending introduction. Fans, alumni and students adored him. Blue II made a brief appearance before heading to Moe and Johnny’s and ending up at the bottom of a bottle of Beam Eight Star. "We've got special plans for Blue II as well," noted the insider. A grim foreshadowing.

Butler officials dispute all the above rumors, saying, “Having Trip on hand now means he will learn from the best and be fully prepared for the day when he officially takes the reins as Butler’s ‘Top Dawg.’” Just propaganda to save face by Butler higher-ups, secretly shoving their dignity aside for a greater good. A disgraceful ending to a tragic mascot.

Story by Kay Anderson

Make-A-Wish Fulfills Eli's Super Bowl Dream

2012-02-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

The Make-A-Wish foundation has granted wishes for thousands of children battling life threatening medical conditions. This week Eli Manning, seen here soliciting an autograph from a member of the media, will have his wish granted. Although no one is sure what Manning suffers from, one thing is for sure, that goofy bastard should be wearing a helmet 100 percent of the time.

The foundation stepped up to the plate when they fielded a phone call from a concerned New York vagabond who witnessed little Manning walking around with his head stuck in his shirtsleeve. A failed attempt to put on a common V-neck by the half-pint Manning. Others watched in amazement as Manning was determined to fit his melon through the wrong hole of his shirt, many even cheering him on. Manning seemed to thrive off of the crowd, smiling and bursting out with screams of joy while he flailed about. Eventually the little guy tuckered out and took a nap.

Make-A-Wish reached out to Manning, even though no obvious medical condition could be confirmed, and granted him one wish. Merriment swelled in Manning’s eyes as he gazed at his neck-less brother Peyton and made the wish of playing for his second ring, one more than his older brother.

"I know he's bigger than me," mumbled Manning, as his nearby father reminded him to sit-up straight and speak up. "But, he got to go to two. I thought maybe I could go to two Super Bowls too. And after that I hope we can all get ice cream!"

This, however, is not the first time the organization has reached out to Manning. While on a trip to Miami to watch his big brother play football, the foundation surprised the younger Manning and sent Taylor Lautner to help him construct a sand castle.

"It was the best day of my life because we ate ice cream in the sand," said Manning."

When contacted, Make-A-Wish could not confirm that they were indeed going to provide any ice cream for this wish.

Story by Hate Nurst

Loss of Clint Session may be real key to Colts downfall

2011-12-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

The Indianapolis Colts announced Peyton Manning's latest neck surgery has finally worked. A small sigh of relief could be heard from the W. 56th Street complex as far as Mooresville. However, as the star quarterback works himself back into Hall of Fame form one question remains. Can Clint Session still help the Colts? Unfortunately, the answer is no.

The talk surrounding the Colts' downfall this year has centered on Manning. But the reason the Colts have fallen so hard this year isn't due to the lack of strong QB play, coaching or talent evaluation. The downfall has come from the massive suck-hole left behind from the absence of Clint Session. Many believe he left the hole there on purpose.

The Colts are dead last in defense. This is due to the defensive players being distracted by the sucking noise coming from the core of the Colt defense. Former defensive coordinator, Larry Coyer, was afraid to be aggressive and blitz for fear he would lose one of his players to this black hole coming from the center of the d. Ever since Session left the Colts, shot Osama Bin Laden dead and decided to lead Jacksonville to the fourth best defense in the NFL, there has been discussions to hand the league MVP trophy over to Clint Session.

Session, the one player in the league to sack Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers at the same time, denied reports that he intentionally left the suck-hole in the Colt defense. He also said he had no use for the league MVP trophy, as he already has twelve neatly displayed in his beard.

So while some good news on Peyton Manning has come to light, the Colts front office needs to address the massive suck hole that Clint Session left. As of right now they are stating that there is nothing to worry about and this suck hole is simply a correctable error.

Occupy Movement Engulfs Area Malls

2011-11-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

The Occupy movement has grown exponentially in the last 24 hours, expanding its reach to shopping centers across the nation. Several area malls have become occupied overnight.

Many occupiers had planned on demonstrating outside of shopping centers in hopes of disrupting normal Black Friday shopping activities. But a transformation happened once they assembled.

"What we have here is an equal distribution of savings," said occupier Rebecca Hephner. "Pepper spray couldn't keep me from this half price Keurig."

Fed up with the 1 percent, Hephner came downtown after spending Thanksgiving with her family. She wanted to participate in the growing movement and vowed not to support the crass commercialism that helps the One-Percenters boost profits, until she saw the Black Friday Special sale on jeans at Forever 21.

"75 percent off, are you kidding me?" stated a stunned Hephner "I'll make my voice heard later, wait til you see my poor ass in these!"

Similar instances have occurred across Central Indiana. Jeff Pikus intended to occupy in Greenwood.

"I showed up today to make my voice heard and fight against the unchecked derivative trading fueling irresponsible speculation on Wall Street." said a defiant Pikus. "But check out these insane, low, low prices on flat screen TVs! $100? I'll take three."

Other occupiers didn't allow the temporary deals to distract them. Sam Hawthorne used it as a tactic to fight back against the enemy.

"Those crooks on Wall Street should have taken advantage of the Doorbuster sale on Isotoners blowing up over here at JCPenney," stated a plotting Hawthorne. "Instead they decided to put their hands all over that filthy bail-out money. So guess what? I'm 99 percent sure their hands will all freeze this winter because I just bought all the Isotoners in Plainfield!"

Police have been called into several malls and used pepper spray to tame unruly, defiant shoppers in a few areas. Several middle-aged women turned on security at the Avon Target store. The guard inadvertently stepped in between the women and a display of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. One mother of three, who was visibly hopped up on egg nog, had to be tased seven times after beating a man unconsious for not handing over the last American Girl doll.

Crazy Man Demands Festivus Rights

2011-11-22T16:44:00.001-08:00

An unknown, but clearly crazy-ass man, stormed the Indiana War Memorial and started a stand off with police this afternoon. Pridefully brandishing his modestly hairy, bare chest, draped in Old Glory, the man appeared to be holding a Festivus Pole. One could only speculate he was demanding the holiday be given equal status to Christmas and whatever other fake holidays people celebrate.

Festivus, a holiday that discriminates against no man, is observed on December 23. The holiday is celebrated with the Festivus Pole, an aluminum rod with no decoration. Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength are also traditions practiced during Festivus. Clearly a holiday.

The crazy-ass man, standing with what looked like a large plus sign behind him, was lashing out at passers-by for the less-than-stellar year he had. Many ignored his foul-mouthed tirade until he started flinging his own feces. IMPD quickly intervened and subdued the man. The Festivus loyalist put up a brief fight, but there was no Festivus miracle this day. In total the standoff lasted two hours.

Story by C. Bommarito

Colts offense unable to get going as they fall to Bye week, 31 - 6

2011-11-21T11:05:00.000-08:00

Not again.

The Indianapolis Colts lowered the bar again Sunday at Lucas Oil Stadium, when their desperate quest for the first victory of a difficult season was reduced to a more urgent and fundamental mission:

Correct those correctable errors.

The Colts managed 143 net yards and a couple Adam Vinatieri field goals while being shut down 31 - 6 by a team they should have easily beat. The Bye Week was previously winless all-time.

The Colts offense hasn't scored a touchdown in the past three games which is something they admit they need to refocus on.

"Typically you're looking to score touchdowns and we just haven't focused on doing that," conceded quarterback Curtis Painter. "We get so bogged down trying to work that huge list of correctable errors, coach and Dear Leader Polian talk about, we just forget how to play football."

Painter passed for 64 yards and 3 ints and was replaced by Dan Orlovsky who went for another 12 yards and an int. Orlovsky was then replaced by Pat McAfee who led the Colts on a game ending 10 play 55 yard drive for Vinateri's second field goal.

The Colts seem unable to stop the interception bug. Somehow, even guard Mike Tepper managed to throw one in the 2nd quarter. Painter has shown major signs of regression causing some to wonder if the Colts would make a permanent QB change.

Coach Jim Caldwell didn't sound like a man contemplating a more permanent change.

"I think this is certainly going to be one of those tough games to evaluate when you look at all of the things," Caldwell said. "Curtis probably didn't get as settled as we'd like, and we allowed pressure to get to him on just about every single play. Fortunately I think those are correctable errors so we'll keep at it and I know eventually it'll lead to a 'W'. As far as changing from Painter to Orlovsky or McAfee or Tepper, I'd say right now we're sticking with the guy that got us here."

Caldwell was asked if he could define the correctable errors and if the Colts had actually corrected any of them this season.

"I'd say right now we are evaluating those and don't want to divulge any intellectual property of the Colts to other teams. I can tell you we've incorporated Lean Six Sigma processes that have shown success in the automotive industry. That's led us to really come up with outside of the box type ideas, like where we decided to start punting on 3rd down. I really think strategies like that will keep our opponents on their toes and eventually pay off."

The Bye week (1-110) took advantage of six takeaways and repeated Colts mistakes. Bye Week ran 42 times for 235 yards and 3 touchdowns. Also Bye Week threw 21 - 23 for 312 yards and a touchdown with one interception.

"We won the turnover battle and ran much better than they were able to," Stated Bye Week. "Its always good to get a victory on the road against any opponent."

Typically the NFL does not count Bye week wins and losses towards a teams final win total. However they've decided this one will have to count. What this means is if the Colts continue to lose out, they will finish the season 0 - 17 rather than 0 - 16. After the game Bill Polian was quick to remind everyone that everything was under control.

"Remember, you're never are as bad as you look when you lose and you're never as good as you look when you win," said a content Polian. "We just have to go back and work on correctable errors. I know Curtis threw a couple of interceptions today but really this is the first game where he's thrown multiple picks so that's not going to happen every time. Plus, you all have got to see him in practice. I mean, he's really the next Peyton Manning when we do 7 on 7 drills, nobody is allowed to hit him, and the opposing 7 players are just stationary tackling dummys."

Next week the Colts will take on Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers.

Friday Sports Shorts

2011-08-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

New Contract Allows Peyton to Drop the "Awe Shucks" Routine

Quarterback Peyton Manning signed a five-year, $90 million contract late last week. According to sources Manning turned down a much larger offer and held out in order to work in a clause which lets him finally be himself.

"I'm sick of this goddamned nice guy routine," said a five o'clock shadow wearing Manning. "It's time I loosen the fuck up a little and tell shit like it is, hombre."

Teammates noticed an immediate difference in Manning when he pulled up to training camp on his Harley Dyna Wide Glide motorcycle, arms covered in tattoos. He was prepared as ever, but spent his first 20 minutes of camp throwing empty bottles of Old No. 7 at Curtis Painter and Nate Davis while they took snaps with the first team offense. “That’s Mario Fucking Williams on a blitz and now you’re dead,” yelled Manning from his lawn chair.

Manning has also left long-time lucrative sponsors Reebok and Gatorade. His agent is currently in talks with Redman smokeless tobacco and Smith & Wesson.

An Open Letter to Clint Session, From the Indianapoliser Staff

Dear Mr. Session,

You stole our hearts, and promptly ate them. You will be missed, O Bearded One. Your exit from the Colts hits us hard, just like how we used to dream of being tackled by you on a fourth and short, with you ripping through our torso, looking past us with a maniacal glare, like we weren’t even there. Those dreams were happy ones. Your departure is not.

They won’t love you like we did. They won’t lay your 55 jersey on the driveway and jump off of the roof of the house, landing on it, man breast first, just to feel what it may have been like to get hit by you. They won’t put nickels in the eyes of their passed out drunk friends and tape a sign to them proclaiming “Clint Session laid my ass out!”

Do you think those abnormally white Floridians in Jacksonville will talk about you like this? Probably not.

It’s always sunny wherever Clint Session goes, because the sun never sets on a baddass.
Clint Session can believe it’s not butter. Always has.
Clint Session is so cool he has his own theme music that follows him around, performed live by the Wu Tang Clan - including ODB!
Some regret that they have but one life to give to their country. Clint Session has ten lives and regrets nothing.
• Behind every successful man there’s a woman. Behind every unconscious running back there’s Clint Session.
Clint Session doesn’t tackle. He provides near death experiences.
Clint Session would be on the FBI’s most dangerous list, if he wasn’t our nation’s greatest defense.
Clint Session’s beard could provide clothing for all the homeless children of the world. Too bad he never shaves.
Snapped necks far outnumber snap counts when Clint Session is on the field.
There is no chin under Clint Session’s beard. Only another beard, covering a fist.
Last year, after a playoff game, several Colts players pissed their names in the snow. Clint Session pissed his name in the concrete.

So long old friend. Every time we see the 55 clad Ernie Sims smearing running backs onto the turf we’ll secretly be thinking of you.

Wishing you a minor injury when you play the Colts,
-The Indianapoliser

Lieutenant Moses Hightower Passes Away

Lieutenant Moses Hightower died of natural causes this week. The retired officer is best known for his detective work in "Police Academy 1", "Police Academy 2", "Police Academy 3", "Police Academy 4", "Police Academy 5" and "Police Academy 6". Lt. Hightower ultimately hit a crescendo in "Police Academy 7; Moscow Nights", where he successfully detained three Russian mob members at once with a bear hug until reinforcements could arrive.

“Hightower was a gentle giant. I don’t even think he carried a gun,” revealed Carey Mahoney, former graduate of Police Academy and friend of Lt. Hightower. “His weapon of choice was a soft-spoken voice and oversized sledgehammer shaped fists. Those fists made for some interesting nights at the academy”

A noted civil rights advocate, Lt. Hightower was briefly dismissed from the Police Academy after a brave act of civil disobedience, standing-up to cadet Chad Copeland who used a racial slur to insult Hightower's friend and fellow cadet Laverne Hooks.

Lt. Hightower also had a brief career portraying Bubba Smith, a defensive standout at Michigan State University, who was drafted as the number one overall pick in 1967 by the Baltimore Colts.

Friday Sports Shorts

2011-05-20T06:32:00.001-07:00

Rain Dominates at 500 Practice

The Rain took advantage of long practice days to work all week, making the most of the final few minutes of Wednesday's session to prevent competition from entering the track in preparation for the next week's Indianapolis 500.

“We created a perfect environment today. We were able to execute our race setup and we are finding a good balance,” said Team Rain Owner, the Lord, who has claimed three days of dominance in the first four days of the season. “At the end of day we trimmed out a bit and were fortunate enough to get a big NW wind at the right time. It was great to get on track and give all the fans something to see and maybe extended their noon-time beer drinking.”

"Getting the drops right, getting the wind right, getting the Earth set up for the humidity, it's really a nightmare," said The Almighty of the work not yet done. "But we have to concentrate on qualifying now."

The Rain hopes to challenge history and show up for the 100th Anniversary race on May 27. The Rain had strong showings in 2007, 1997 and 1986.

HBO show ‘Hard Knocks’ coming to Indy

If there is an NFL training camp, the popular HBO show Hard Knocks plans to draw in millions of viewers once again by showcasing the Indianapolis Colts.

Hard Knocks producer Donald King explained his decision to feature the Colts. “We wanted to really build on the success that the Jets gave us last year. The Indianapolis Colts are a dynamic team and management there has laid out a few ground rules that are a bit different from the Jets, but we think it’ll still be a great show.”

The producers have been provided several rules to follow but still think they can piece together a compelling story of this team. The rules are as follows:

No practices are to be filmed, period. B-roll footage of fans dressed in Colts jerseys, running routes in the parking lot may be used.

Divulging the location of practices is prohibited. No filming of players arriving or leaving said location.

Filming of players standing in between practices is allowed but all players’ faces must be blurred

All jersey numbers must be blurred out.

Any strategic conversation that happens to be filmed must be edited over with a Korean discussion on the benefits of baking vs. grilling.

All Hard Knock’s employees are not allowed within 50 yards of Peyton Manning.

Peyton Manning may not be the focus of any camera angle.

Pat McAfee and Pat Angerer will be made available to film when they head to the bars in Broad Ripple.

Should Peyton’s wife and children arrive at the facility for a visit, all Hard Knocks crew members will be escorted off the premises immediately.

“With these simple rules in place I think it’ll be a pretty good show," wrote Colts QB Peyton Manning, on a wadded up cocktail napkin from Rick's Boat Yard, which was hand delivered to the Indianapoliser with a return address of a P.O. box number that had been scratched beyond recognition. The delivery boy chewed a cyanide capsule and died two minutes after the note reached its final destination.

Cubs GM Jim Hendry puts out feelers

A warm embrace between Cubs GM Jim Hendry and Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols garnered considerable media attention last week. Many believe the hug was an extension of Hendry’s courtship of the soon to be free-agent.

Hendry’s inappropriate touching, however, is nothing new when it comes to the pursuit of free-agents.

Over the winter Hendry was seen fondling Prince Fielder’s ample bosom as he talked up the Cubs organization and the city of Chicago.

Many speculate Alfonso Soriano experienced a lack of speed when he received permanent damage to his lower extremities while negotiating with the Cubs. Hendry was seen administering continuous butt grabs to Soriano during talks.

Both Hendry and Pujols insist the hug was nothing but a greeting between really truly extremely good friends.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

5-21-11, Boy promises 'torment' on cookie jar

2011-05-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

Indianapolis - Saturday, May 21, Christopher Thorton will return to the cookie jar to judge his sinful morsels.

This is not the first time little Christopher plunged his mighty fist into the ceramic container of chocolate chip cookies, reviewing each cookie’s chip count, and then invoking rapture, down his throat. The rest are left behind and crushed by his stout fingers.

“He does it every Saturday morning,” said Ellen Thorton, Christopher’s sister. “Mom gets the groceries every Friday night and Chris raids the cookie jar when she goes to yoga on Saturday morning.”

Christopher, however, believes it is his duty to “save” the cookies.

“I remember when we went to church and they read a passage, and it said, ‘Above all, you must understand that in the last days scarfers will come, scarffing and following their own evil desires. They will say, where is this ‘cookie’ he promised?’ So I eat these cookies before the scarfers take hold of the jar.”

Rumors of Christopher’s four fingers of the cookie apocalypse have spread throughout the neighborhood yet no one outside of the Thorton home has witnessed the ruination of the cookie jar.

“I’ve heard each finger is a symbol, representing pestilence, war, famine and death to the cookies,” described one of Christopher’s neighbors, whom wished to remain anonymous; for fear that Christopher would thrust his chubby hand through the wall and rein down judgment on his own stash of cookies. “May God have mercy on the forsaken cookies left behind.”

Christopher’s sister, Ellen, knows the end is near. This is why she always sneaks five chocolate chip cookies each week, the night before they go into the jar. She hides them in her room, so her brother may not elect the cookies to his own personal belly of Heaven, and savors the cookies throughout the week.

Story by Hate Nurst

Cap’n Crunch Murdered by Somalian Pirates

2011-03-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

The bloated body of Horatio Magellan Crunch, better known as beloved breakfast icon Cap’n Crunch, was found floating off the coast of Mogadishu earlier this week. The sweetened, yellow square-shaped cereal skipper was murdered by Somalian pirates.

“We found Cap’n Crunch’s dismembered corpse and immediately knew he was tortured and ultimately killed by pirates,” said a Quaker Oats spokesman. “We speculate, when Crunch didn’t give up his treasures the pirates alternatively took his jewels, severing his crunch berries and causing him to bleed out.”

It is no secret the Somalian pirates have long coveted the high-ranking Captain's secret stash of Deep Sea Crunch, which incorporated sea creature-shaped berries into his original cereal. Deep Sea Crunch was discontinued in 1993 then brought back briefly in 2009 until Quaker Oats noticed an upswing in pirate activity. Pirates targeted ships toting the fruity breakfast item to porky kids in the West Indies. The fat little bastards never received their Deep Sea Crunch shipments and Quaker Oats discontinued the cereal once again.

There has been speculation, however, that the pirates were employed by General Mills and longtime Cap'n Crunch arch-nemesis Lucky the Leprechaun, in order to obtain the rare sea creature berries and release a High Seas batch of Lucky Charms in time for St. Patrick’s Day. The General and his shanty Irish mate have battled Cap’n Crunch for years to earn the right to fatten up America’s youth, with the clash elevating in the late 80s and early 90s.

“I’d never touch the bastard in me life,” bellowed Lucky the drunkin’ mick, sitting stout on his bar stool, legs crossed. “Why would I want them fuckers in me cereal anyway? And what’s worse, they’re not even fuckin’ marshmallows! Everybody knows I use me fruity marshmallows in me cereal!”

The Captain is survived by sixteen obese to morbidly obese children. He was preceded in death by his wife Mrs. Beatrice Crunch who passed ten years ago due to complications from diabetes and gout. The Captain will be remembered for his love of opera and grams of fat. A celebration of his life will be held on Saturday March 12, 2011 from 7:30 a.m. to 10 a.m. at the IHOP near the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to his favorite charity: Cake Wars.

Story by Hate Nurst, C. Bommarito & Dudley Dawson

Tsunami Warning for Indiana Beach

2011-03-11T08:36:00.001-08:00

A tsunami generated by this morning's 8.5 magnitude earthquake near Honshu Japan could cause damage along the coastlines of Lake Schaffer. Urgent action should be taken by tourists to remove their tents, RV's, and campers from the town of Monticello. Tsunami wave heights cannot be predicted and the first wave may not be the largest. Beer cans, used condoms and broken-down trucks that litter Indiana beach are likely to be carried inland and amplify the wave's destructive power. State officials fear a worst-case scenario could level all of Monticello as well as the aging amusement park, estimating damage costs just under $25,000.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday Sports Shorts

2011-02-28T06:31:00.000-08:00

Cam Artist

Cecil Newton, father of Auburn quarterback Cam, showed up early for this week's NFL combine to sweet talk NFL team owners. But, the crafty veteran has learned from his past mistakes and trying to be more discreet about his intentions this time.

”I don't get it," said redskins GM Daniel Snyder." Doesn't he understand we fully intend to pay players?”

Newton has been attempting to get $75,000 from teams in exchange for a guarantee his son will play for an NFL team. To strengthen his stance, he stated he will make his son spend a year in the United Football League if his offer isn't accepted.

Hold the Mayo

The Pacers fucked up a blockbuster trade yesterday that would have sent Josh McRoberts and a first round draft pick to the Memphis Grizzlies in exchange for O.J. Mayo as well as another deal involving Brandon Rush for the New Orleans Hornets' 2011first round draft pick. Apparently, when filing the paperwork, the Pacers did not fill-in the Scantron circles correctly and doodled in he space clearly marked "Do not write in this space," thus nullifying the deal.

NASCAR Taps the Season

43 sofa-ridden beer drinkers saw daylight for the first time this year and were motivated enough to drive in circles for 500 miles last weekend. Many of whom were still feeling the effects of their three-month drinking binge, crashed and were unable to complete the ovaled marathon. One of the crash victims, pole setter Dale Ernhardt Jr., blamed the anniversary of his father’s death on his collision at the tail-end of the journey.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Friday Sports Shorts

2011-02-18T08:35:00.001-08:00

What About Bob?

As expected, the Indianapolis Colts released perennial disappointment, Bob Sanders, today. The Opposite-of-Strong Safety enjoyed a great career with the Colts. He was named NFL Defensive Player of the Year in 2007, but was best known for inflicting pain upon the metal benches on the Colts sidelines with his bone crushing injuries and season ending defensive stops.

The remaining Bob Sanders apologists can take comfort in the fact that, even though not under contract, Sanders role on the team will not change. He will not play or dress for any Colts games in 2012.

Fan Shots

Senate Bill 292 passed the state senate yesterday. Now -- finally-- gun owners will be permitted to carry their weapons on municipally owned property, including Lucas Oil Stadium and Conseco Fieldhouse. State legislator, former trucking industry teamster and huge sports fan, Jim Tomes, introduced the bill. Tomes hopes the bill will do more than protect citizens from bear attacks at sporting events.

“Lucas Oil Stadium is a lot like a truck stop, you never know when you may need your weapon for defense,” said Tomes. “The lot lizard in your truck-cab or some opposing fan may be fix'n to stab you in the neck at any time. Hell, what if the Lions come to play and an actual lion gets loose? What if there are mouthy Patriots fans at the game? You best be carryin’.”

The Pacers hope to benefit as well. This will put them in much better position to lure NBA free agents. Gilbert Arenas has already showed interest in signing with the Pacers this off-season when his contract with the Magic expires. Stephen Jackson and Delonte West have also put Indiana at the top of their free agency list.

Manning Franchised

This week the Indianapolis Colts slapped the franchise tag on Peyton Manning's sweet ass. Entrepreneurs from all over the metro area lined up outside of Lucas Oil Stadium after the announcement in hopes of becoming franchisees of the Peyton Manning business model.

“We’re hoping the Peyton Manning brand we have established here in Indianapolis can work all over the country. Some day we envision thousands of Peytons roaming the city and suburbs performing tasks that only one Peyton could not,” said Colts owner Jim Irsay. “Now maybe Peyton Manning could be walking your dog, selling your product on national television, fixing some burgers on the grill, or even breast-feeding your children. The possibilities are endless.”

Pujols Could Get a Lifetime Sentence

Albert Pujols’ self-imposed contract negotiations deadline has come and gone. As it stands now, the Cardinals’ slugger will become a free agent next off-season, available to the highest bidder. The Pujols camp is rumored to be looking for a ten year, $330M contract. The Angels and Dodgers are rumored to be interested already. But the Chicago Cubs are most expected to pursue Pujols heavily. Cubs General Manager, Jim Hendry, will do everything in his power to bring the first baseman to the Windy City.

“Albert Pujols will play for the Chicago Cubs next year,” said a determined Hendry. “He will not only play long-term for the Cubs, but he will also die as a Cub.”

Hendry and the Cubs plan to offer Pujols a 60-year, $1.7B contract next off-season, with a lifetime club option after Pujols turns 91. Pujols’ agent, Tony Grembowicz, stated they will consider the offer, but he is a little turned off because the per-year dollar amount is slightly less than what Alex Rodriguez currently receives. The Cubs may sweeten the pot by extending the deal beyond Pujols’ lifetime to include his four children and any unborn grandchildren.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

2011-02-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Matt Howard Out Indefinitely With Zombieism

Butler Forward, Matt Howard, was forced to sit during last night's win over Wright State. Howard had suffered from a light case of Zombieism during the previous game. Coaches became aware of the condition during Butler’s match with the University of Illinois-Chicago.

“Matt was boxing out on the defensive end and when time was called we noticed him gnawing on a UIC player’s shoulder,” Butler coach Brad Stevens said. “Before the game Matt’s head had some blood oozing out of it, there might have been some brain matter mixed in there, but there was no way to confirm he was craving flesh. We let him play until he became bitey.”

Stevens hopes the undead junior will rejoin the starting line-up soon.

Highway to Heaven, Heee's on it

Ladies and Gentlemen start your grieving. After a prolonged battle with life, Tom Carnegie finally succumbed to a severe case of old age. The Motor Speedway legend is dead at 91, a sad new track record.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Friday Sports Shorts

2011-01-31T04:34:00.001-08:00

Pacers Lobby for Change

Hoping to change the Pacers losing ways, Larry Bird has petitioned the NBA to shorten the length of games from four to three quarters. In the last three seasons the Pacers have crumbled in the fourth quarter almost every single game. Ending games at the close of the third quarter would put the team in the thick of the playoff hunt.

“It’s the smartest thing in the world,” echoed ousted Pacers coach Jim O’Brien. “I did everything at 75 percent. I still have three-quarters of my hair, of which, 75 percent is still black. I’d say I was doing just fine. Hell, 75 percent is a C for Chrissakes! What’s wrong with a C?”

But when asked about his launching from the team O'Brien said, "I was 75 percent sure they were going to can my ass with half of the season left."

Indian Donor

This week University of Connecticut donor Richard G. Burton made headlines by requesting some of his donation money back after the school’s Athletic Department turned down his request to select the next football coach.

“I’ve got money, so I know how to do everything,” said an angered Burton as he lit his cigar with a flaming fifty-dollar bill. “I’ve never played football or paid attention to UConn football until they went D1, but I stand by my choice of Vince Lombardi.”
Burton argued Lombardi’s skeletal remains in piled on the sideline will motivate the UConn players more than any living coach possibly could.

Demanding more for his donation money started a national trend amongst major donors of all stripes. The Krannart family is demanding the authority to hire professors at their School of Business at Purdue. The family of Ruel W. Steele has asked that highway 37 be changed back into a dirt road. And, after the injury plagued Colts season, Peyton Manning is demanding his $50 million children’s wing at St. Vincent be remodeled as a healing place for NFL players.

Can’t Cutler the Mustard

Numerous unnamed sources have told The Indianapoliser that ESPN is reporting Jay Cutler is still injured from last weekends NFC conference championship game. The Chicago Bears QB did not practice in preparation for the upcoming Super Bowl and was even spotted wearing pedestrian clothes this past Wednesday. Sportscenter Twitter follower MJD, M.D. diagnosed Cutler, from his living room where he has been sitting since week 14 of the regular season, as faking an injury. More as the story develops.

Friday Sports Shorts

2011-01-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

Stephenson Attempts a Three!

According to BlackSportsOnline a prostitute named Candy DeepThroat has accused Indiana Pacers Sitting-Guard, Lance Stephenson, of --eh-hum-- stiffing her $1000 for a threesome sexual act.

But, most fans have difficulty swallowing DeepThroat’s story. Everyone knows the guard can't handle double coverage.

Shouts and Ladders

Seattle Mariners outfielder, Milton Bradley, was arrested Tuesday morning on suspicion of making criminal threats, a felony offense. Fortunately the major leaguer is no stranger to Trouble and had a Get-Out-of-Jail Free card. He was released promptly, but officials will not confirm whether or not he passed Go or collected $200. If convicted he could be facing the Game of Life without parole. This will no doubt put him on Thin Ice with team manager Eric Wedge

Bradley’s agent released a statement earlier today that simply said, “Sorry!”

Hide Yo' Keds Hide Yo' Wives!

The NFL has issued a strong warning to all women who plan to attend this Sunday's AFC championship game in Pittsburgh.

Those seated near the Steelers sideline are advised keep an eye out for serial rapist Ben Roethlisberger. Women are also discouraged from visiting Pittsburgh night clubs this weekend and strongly encouraged to use the buddy-system when visiting the restroom.

Women seated near the opposing sideline, are advised to look-out for foot-fetish coach Rex Ryan. Experts believe Ryan developed a sexual appetite for feet after tasting his own foot, which he traditionally places in his mouth during his weekly press conference. Open-toed shoes have been banned at the stadium for the game, as a further precaution.

Reporting by C. Bommarito and Dudley Dawson

2010-12-17T06:48:00.000-08:00

The Indianpoliser FSS Action Team is back from a brief hiatus! In an act of
solidarity, our writers refused to work while Clint Session remained
sidelined. But, we hope our triumphant return might inspire the blood-lusting Session in his recovery process.

Jaguars Still Impersonating Good Football Team

The Colts have reason to worry about their stranglehold on the AFC South for (what seems like) the first time in history. And this Sunday's opponent, the Jacksonville Jaguars, have successfully pretended to be a good football team this entire season.

Lead by notorious con-man, Jack (Shooter McGavin) Del Rio, the Jags have run the ball extremely well and even been able to fake passing with efficiency. Except for an early season, last minute win against the Colts, the Jaguars have flexed their big boy muscles against far weaker teams. The Colts are the only team with a winning record to fall to these impostors all year.

Indianapolis Sends Christmas Gifts to Vikings

The city of Indianapolis offered Minneapolis five acres of remains from the old RCA Dome roof this week to help repair the Metrodome, which suffered severe damages from heavy snow last weekend and relocated the Vikings home game to scenic Detroit.

The Vikings have graciously accepted our city’s hand-me-down roofing material and requested additional spare parts from back-up QB Curtis Painter, to repair Brett Favre’s shoulder, left foot, right elbow, and spleen injuries.

The Colts, still playing uncharacteristically meaningful late season games, do not expect to give Painter playing time in the foreseeable future. They gladly agreed to the terms. A delighted Favre texted images of all body parts he needs for this weekend’s game against the
Bears.

New Big Ten Logo Foreshadows Future

The Big Ten Conference unveiled its new logo along with names for the divisions within the conference this week. Leaders and Legends will be the names of the two sub-conferences within the Big Ten. Other conference names in consideration were: Pimps and Hos, Shirts and Skins, Tits and Asses, Cocks and Ballas, and Scholars and Athletes.

The new (and improved?) “Big One G” logo itself cleverly hints at Commissioner Delany’s plan to eventually squeeze -- a whopping -- 1,000 teams into the Big Ten Conference. College football pundits believe after the conference inflates to 1G, Notre Dame will certainly have to join.

Going back to Philly, to Philly

Cliff Lee turned down a larger offer from the New York Yankees, an additional $20M, to return to the Philadelphia Phillies, where he pitched in 2009. The money was a serious temptation for Lee, but he is determined to return to the Philadelphia clubhouse in hopes of finding his lucky belt buckle he has been unable to locate for one full year.

"Man, I've searched everywhere for that thing," said a distraught Lee. "I won it at the Arkansas State Fair seven years ago and I swear the last place I saw it was my old locker in Philly. I really hope it's still sitting there."

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Belated Friday Sports Shorts

2010-10-24T02:36:00.000-07:00

Colts injuries continue to pile up

Last week the Indianapolis Colts received more bad news on the injury front. The team announced that Dallas Clark, Joseph Addai, Anthony Johnson, and Austin Collie are all out indefinitely leaving them very depleted. Today, they added two more to their ever expanding injury list.

"Unfortunately today we have to announce we've lost two other key contributers to our club indefintitely", says Team President Bill Polian, "Gary Treadwell and Linda Davis have sustained injuries that will keep them from performing their duties."

Treadwell, the team's lead janitor, suffered a concussion and minor ACL tear while mopping the entry way at the 56th street practice facility. Davis, the team's backup accounting secretary received 17 stitches and sustained a broken collarbone in a freak pencil sharpening accident. The Colts are holding roster spots for both in hopes they will be able to return at the end of the season. However, ESPN's Adam Schefter reports that both have sustained season ending injuries and won't be back until next year.

Purdue stars to stay committed to each other

Two weeks ago the Purdue Boilermaker Men’s basketball team suffered a huge blow with the loss of Robbie Hummel. Hummel will miss the entire season after suffering his second ACL tear. At the time it reduced the number of major Purdue stars to two with E’Twaan Moore and JaJuan Johnson. This week, the Boilers announced some news that could get fans excited for next year.

“We still have the ability to be a very good team this year", says Purdue Coach Matt Painter, "but there is a way we could be a great team next year. That’s why we’ve decided to let Moore and Johnson injure themselves at the next practice.”

In order to reunite with Hummel, Johnson and Moore have agreed to have their ACL’s torn so they too will get a medical redshirt and sit out this year. All three will heal and be ready to go for next year. Even with the added injury, both Moore and Johnson are on track for a career in the NBA. Because of two ACL injuries and a back injury, that may not be the case for Hummel. However, Mel Kiper Jr. reports that his injuries have the Indianapolis Colts very interested and may use a late draft pick to add him to their receiving corp.

James Harrison decides NFL paycheck isn’t so bad

Earlier this week Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison left the team temporarily and contemplated retirement. His exit from the team was due to the NFL deciding that it will start enforcing the ‘leading with the helmet’ rule that cracks down on dirty players. Harrison, who has openly admitted that he loves to hurt people, felt the NFL was trying to single him out and on Monday decided he would no longer tolerate the league’s unfair treatment of him.

After approximately 20 minutes of weighing his options and examining the employment landscape that he would qualify for, Harrison has rejoined the team and will suit up against the Miami Dolphins this Sunday.

As it turns out his only options outside of football, White Castle counter boy and dishwasher at Denny’s, didn’t pay quite as well.

Friday Sports Shorts

2010-10-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

MMMM...Creamy fall off the bone hammy

Notre Dame tight end, Kyle Rudolph will miss the rest of the season with a torn hamstring. Initial reports stated the sweet, succulent hamstring fell right off the bone. Rudolph struggled with the hammy throughout summer camp but was thought to be 100 percent at the start of the season. Notre Dame’s assistant medical trainer reflected on the treatment of Rudolph’s injury.

“We found a treatment for pulled hamstrings left behind by the old staff, so we decided to use it. We rubbed the hamstring down with some apple cider vinegar and Himalayan sea salt. Then we smoked the hamstring with hickory chips for 8 hours. When we picked Rudy up off the field, the tender hammy fell right off the bone. Turns out the treatment we found was actually coach Weis’ recipe for hickory smoked ham. We regret the mistake.”

Reporting by Hate Nurst

Ron Artest tweets + Garfield

2010-10-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

(Click to hugenize)

Tweeted 10-1-10

Tweeted 10-11-10

Tweeted 10-12-10