Friday Sports Shorts

Cam Artist

Cecil Newton, father of Auburn quarterback Cam, showed up early for this week's NFL combine to sweet talk NFL team owners. But, the crafty veteran has learned from his past mistakes and trying to be more discreet about his intentions this time.

”I don't get it," said redskins GM Daniel Snyder." Doesn't he understand we fully intend to pay players?”

Newton has been attempting to get $75,000 from teams in exchange for a guarantee his son will play for an NFL team. To strengthen his stance, he stated he will make his son spend a year in the United Football League if his offer isn't accepted.

Hold the Mayo

The Pacers fucked up a blockbuster trade yesterday that would have sent Josh McRoberts and a first round draft pick to the Memphis Grizzlies in exchange for O.J. Mayo as well as another deal involving Brandon Rush for the New Orleans Hornets' 2011first round draft pick. Apparently, when filing the paperwork, the Pacers did not fill-in the Scantron circles correctly and doodled in he space clearly marked "Do not write in this space," thus nullifying the deal.

NASCAR Taps the Season

43 sofa-ridden beer drinkers saw daylight for the first time this year and were motivated enough to drive in circles for 500 miles last weekend. Many of whom were still feeling the effects of their three-month drinking binge, crashed and were unable to complete the ovaled marathon. One of the crash victims, pole setter Dale Ernhardt Jr., blamed the anniversary of his father’s death on his collision at the tail-end of the journey.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Friday Sports Shorts

What About Bob?

As expected, the Indianapolis Colts released perennial disappointment, Bob Sanders, today. The Opposite-of-Strong Safety enjoyed a great career with the Colts. He was named NFL Defensive Player of the Year in 2007, but was best known for inflicting pain upon the metal benches on the Colts sidelines with his bone crushing injuries and season ending defensive stops.

The remaining Bob Sanders apologists can take comfort in the fact that, even though not under contract, Sanders role on the team will not change. He will not play or dress for any Colts games in 2012.

Fan Shots

Senate Bill 292 passed the state senate yesterday. Now -- finally-- gun owners will be permitted to carry their weapons on municipally owned property, including Lucas Oil Stadium and Conseco Fieldhouse. State legislator, former trucking industry teamster and huge sports fan, Jim Tomes, introduced the bill. Tomes hopes the bill will do more than protect citizens from bear attacks at sporting events.

“Lucas Oil Stadium is a lot like a truck stop, you never know when you may need your weapon for defense,” said Tomes. “The lot lizard in your truck-cab or some opposing fan may be fix'n to stab you in the neck at any time. Hell, what if the Lions come to play and an actual lion gets loose? What if there are mouthy Patriots fans at the game? You best be carryin’.”

The Pacers hope to benefit as well. This will put them in much better position to lure NBA free agents. Gilbert Arenas has already showed interest in signing with the Pacers this off-season when his contract with the Magic expires. Stephen Jackson and Delonte West have also put Indiana at the top of their free agency list.

Manning Franchised

This week the Indianapolis Colts slapped the franchise tag on Peyton Manning's sweet ass. Entrepreneurs from all over the metro area lined up outside of Lucas Oil Stadium after the announcement in hopes of becoming franchisees of the Peyton Manning business model.

“We’re hoping the Peyton Manning brand we have established here in Indianapolis can work all over the country. Some day we envision thousands of Peytons roaming the city and suburbs performing tasks that only one Peyton could not,” said Colts owner Jim Irsay. “Now maybe Peyton Manning could be walking your dog, selling your product on national television, fixing some burgers on the grill, or even breast-feeding your children. The possibilities are endless.”

Pujols Could Get a Lifetime Sentence

Albert Pujols’ self-imposed contract negotiations deadline has come and gone. As it stands now, the Cardinals’ slugger will become a free agent next off-season, available to the highest bidder. The Pujols camp is rumored to be looking for a ten year, $330M contract. The Angels and Dodgers are rumored to be interested already. But the Chicago Cubs are most expected to pursue Pujols heavily. Cubs General Manager, Jim Hendry, will do everything in his power to bring the first baseman to the Windy City.

“Albert Pujols will play for the Chicago Cubs next year,” said a determined Hendry. “He will not only play long-term for the Cubs, but he will also die as a Cub.”

Hendry and the Cubs plan to offer Pujols a 60-year, $1.7B contract next off-season, with a lifetime club option after Pujols turns 91. Pujols’ agent, Tony Grembowicz, stated they will consider the offer, but he is a little turned off because the per-year dollar amount is slightly less than what Alex Rodriguez currently receives. The Cubs may sweeten the pot by extending the deal beyond Pujols’ lifetime to include his four children and any unborn grandchildren.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Matt Howard Out Indefinitely With Zombieism

Butler Forward, Matt Howard, was forced to sit during last night's win over Wright State. Howard had suffered from a light case of Zombieism during the previous game. Coaches became aware of the condition during Butler’s match with the University of Illinois-Chicago.

“Matt was boxing out on the defensive end and when time was called we noticed him gnawing on a UIC player’s shoulder,” Butler coach Brad Stevens said. “Before the game Matt’s head had some blood oozing out of it, there might have been some brain matter mixed in there, but there was no way to confirm he was craving flesh. We let him play until he became bitey.”

Stevens hopes the undead junior will rejoin the starting line-up soon.

Highway to Heaven, Heee's on it

Ladies and Gentlemen start your grieving. After a prolonged battle with life, Tom Carnegie finally succumbed to a severe case of old age. The Motor Speedway legend is dead at 91, a sad new track record.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst