Friday Sports Shorts

Pacers Lobby for Change

Hoping to change the Pacers losing ways, Larry Bird has petitioned the NBA to shorten the length of games from four to three quarters. In the last three seasons the Pacers have crumbled in the fourth quarter almost every single game. Ending games at the close of the third quarter would put the team in the thick of the playoff hunt.

“It’s the smartest thing in the world,” echoed ousted Pacers coach Jim O’Brien. “I did everything at 75 percent. I still have three-quarters of my hair, of which, 75 percent is still black. I’d say I was doing just fine. Hell, 75 percent is a C for Chrissakes! What’s wrong with a C?”

But when asked about his launching from the team O'Brien said, "I was 75 percent sure they were going to can my ass with half of the season left."


Indian Donor

This week University of Connecticut donor Richard G. Burton made headlines by requesting some of his donation money back after the school’s Athletic Department turned down his request to select the next football coach.

“I’ve got money, so I know how to do everything,” said an angered Burton as he lit his cigar with a flaming fifty-dollar bill. “I’ve never played football or paid attention to UConn football until they went D1, but I stand by my choice of Vince Lombardi.”
Burton argued Lombardi’s skeletal remains in piled on the sideline will motivate the UConn players more than any living coach possibly could.

Demanding more for his donation money started a national trend amongst major donors of all stripes. The Krannart family is demanding the authority to hire professors at their School of Business at Purdue. The family of Ruel W. Steele has asked that highway 37 be changed back into a dirt road. And, after the injury plagued Colts season, Peyton Manning is demanding his $50 million children’s wing at St. Vincent be remodeled as a healing place for NFL players.


Can’t Cutler the Mustard

Numerous unnamed sources have told The Indianapoliser that ESPN is reporting Jay Cutler is still injured from last weekends NFC conference championship game. The Chicago Bears QB did not practice in preparation for the upcoming Super Bowl and was even spotted wearing pedestrian clothes this past Wednesday. Sportscenter Twitter follower MJD, M.D. diagnosed Cutler, from his living room where he has been sitting since week 14 of the regular season, as faking an injury. More as the story develops.

Friday Sports Shorts

Stephenson Attempts a Three!

According to BlackSportsOnline a prostitute named Candy DeepThroat has accused Indiana Pacers Sitting-Guard, Lance Stephenson, of --eh-hum-- stiffing her $1000 for a threesome sexual act.

But, most fans have difficulty swallowing DeepThroat’s story. Everyone knows the guard can't handle double coverage.

Shouts and Ladders

Seattle Mariners outfielder, Milton Bradley, was arrested Tuesday morning on suspicion of making criminal threats, a felony offense. Fortunately the major leaguer is no stranger to Trouble and had a Get-Out-of-Jail Free card. He was released promptly, but officials will not confirm whether or not he passed Go or collected $200. If convicted he could be facing the Game of Life without parole. This will no doubt put him on Thin Ice with team manager Eric Wedge

Bradley’s agent released a statement earlier today that simply said, “Sorry!”

Hide Yo' Keds Hide Yo' Wives!

The NFL has issued a strong warning to all women who plan to attend this Sunday's AFC championship game in Pittsburgh.

Those seated near the Steelers sideline are advised keep an eye out for serial rapist Ben Roethlisberger. Women are also discouraged from visiting Pittsburgh night clubs this weekend and strongly encouraged to use the buddy-system when visiting the restroom.

Women seated near the opposing sideline, are advised to look-out for foot-fetish coach Rex Ryan. Experts believe Ryan developed a sexual appetite for feet after tasting his own foot, which he traditionally places in his mouth during his weekly press conference. Open-toed shoes have been banned at the stadium for the game, as a further precaution.

Reporting by C. Bommarito and Dudley Dawson