Police Unsure How 114 year-old Woman Died

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – A northwest side woman was found dead in her home late Thursday evening. Police are investigating the death and have not ruled out any possible causes, including foul play. Once the coroner results are in, they’ll be able to confirm death and provide an official ruling.

The body of Bertha McDougal, 114, was found by a relative who had been checking in on her. She was found lying peacefully in her bed. Police say there was no sign of forced entry and no physical wounds on her body.

“Despite a total lack of evidence, we can't rule out homicide if she is dead," says IMPD detective Roman Nagel. "We follow a standard checklist and right now we need to have a certified authority confirm her lack of breathing, lack of heartbeat, and rigor mortis symptoms does mean she’s dead. If she is, so far I can tell you we’ve ruled out suicide, spontaneous combustion, and shark attack.”

Rumors have continued to swirl throughout the neighborhood as to what happened. Some suggest she may have died of old age. Others believe she was either mauled by a bear or assassinated by President Obama’s proposed death panel. Even though the community is worried for their safety, police will keep their silence and promise to dispatch their elite Sober Task Force (STF) to look into this case.

“As far as the rumors go," added Nagel in between sips of beer. "We're pretty sure Ms. McDougal has died but can't confirm that and can't speculate on the cause. We also cannot confirm or deny a bear mauling and to cover all leads we have sent a detective to Washington to interview President Obama.”

Over the next few weeks police will follow all leads and ask the community for their full cooperation. If anyone has any information related to this tragic case they are asked to call Crime Stoppers. Until the coroner releases the results of the autopsy, the cause of 114 year old Bertha McDougal’s death will remain a mystery.


Story by C. Bommarito, Hate Nurst, and Dudley Dawson

Friday Sports Shorts

Meal Time for Session

Clint Session saw his first preseason action against the Green Bay
Packers last night. Session has been limited since last years Super
Bowl. "I haven't hit anybody since the Super Bowl and I had a bad
taste in my mouth after that game," Session told the Indianapolis Star
this week. "After the Super Bowl I fell into my offseason routine of
feeding on the flesh of dead bodies," Session continued. "At some
point I must have come in contact with some salmonella. It kind of
gave me a belly ache. But I'm ready to devour some live humans again.
It's time to get a good taste in my mouth now."

Pippen Ain't Easy

The Chicago Bulls announced plans to unveil a bronze statue of
seven-time NBA All-Star Scottie Pippen at the end of next season.
However, structural flaws will not allow the statue to stand on its
own. It will stand, but only when propped up by the nearby Michael
Jordan statue. Surviving Bulls fans wishing to see the new statue
should come early in the morning. The afternoon sun will cause
Jordan's statue to cast a long shadow, completely eclipsing Pippen.

Pacer player learning from on of the best

To improve himself as an NBA player and as a person, Brandon Rush has been taking lessons from one of the NBA greats. Even though they don't play the same position, Rush has been studying under former center Bill Walton. On the court, learning certain post moves will help Rush set up smaller shooting guards in the future. Off the court, Walton has introduced Rush to the Grateful Dead, tie dye shirts, and bongo drums. Over the entire last season Rush spent his days off with Walton, learning the different ways an individual can free their minds.

This past Friday Rush was handed a 5 game suspension for violating the leagues substance abuse policy after failing three drug tests during last season.

Stories by C. Bommarito, Hate Nurst, and Dudley Dawson

Man's Tossed Salad Feels Like Heaven

West side resident Andrew Kemp had an awful Monday. He blew a tire on his way into work, his boss yelled at him, and a bird shit on his face as he left for home. He simply took a deep breath and decided he needed to give into his deepest temptations, a stress relieving tossed salad.

“I enjoy them. Why that is a big deal to anyone is beyond me,” said Kemp. “My favorite food just happens to share the name of a kinky sex act. That’s not my fault. But, I've learned not to order it in certain places; like a gentlemen's club, truck stop diners or Denny's."

Kemp has been frequenting a quaint little diner located in Speedway every night for the past 12 years. The diner’s name has changed throughout the years, but the home grown atmosphere and service has never been altered. Kemp is considered a regular here. He can enjoy his privacy and he can take pleasure in his tossed salad. For Kemp, a salad tossed with bacon bits, ranch dressing, sharp cheddar and croutons is his little slice of heaven.

“Knowing I have a somewhat healthy dinner waiting for me on my way home makes it a little easier for me to make it into the office the next day,” stated Kemp. “My day shift as a submissive at Big Gary’s S&M Shack doesn’t seem so daunting.”

Story by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson, Hate Nurst

Friday Sports Shorts

Fans now unsure about Colts starting quarterback position

After last Sunday's bad performance, Curtis Painter came out with guns a blazin and showed why the Colts chose him in last year's draft. Against the Bills, Painter displayed the saavy of a 12 year veteran and navigated the pocket like some of the greatest quarterbacks in Colts history. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning had a below average performance compared to his normal standards. The combination of those two performances now have local fans clammoring for more Painter time.

"Last week I wanted Painter cast off to a deserted island", says Jeff Franklin, "But after last night I think we need to take a long hard look at the starting QB spot."

"We pay Peyton a ton of money", commented Stan Turnquist, "We pay Painter the league minimum and he did better. Why not cut Peyton and lock Painter into a long term deal?"

"After last week I wanted us to go out and spend millions on a solid backup", says Trent Clemons, "But now I'm on the Painter bandwagon. If he throws for a perfect passer rating every game I say we start him and use Peyton as a backup!"

While the Colts aren't known for swaying towards fan sentiment, the stark contrast between Painter's and Manning's performance has raised some eyebrows with the team. No one in the Colts front office would give a direct comment on the possible quarterback controversy but Bill Polian made it clear that whomever had the better preseason stats would be the starter for the regular season opener against Houston.



BYU getting closer to conference independence

While other college programs are shuffling between conferences, Brigham Young University has decided to do something different. Earlier this week BYU Athletic director, Joseph Smith, announced that his program will pursue Independent status from the Mountain West Conference. Smith claims this is purely a move that will promote Mormonism, the same way Notre Dame promotes Catholicism, but there appears to be a TV contract involved as well. Following the path of the Irish, who has an independent television contract with NBC, starting in 2011 all BYU football games will be televised on the Lifetime Network.

"We want to be independent and promote Mormonism the way Notre Dame stays indepedent and promotes Catholosism", says Smith, "Plus my wives are huge fans of Lifetime!"

BYU hopes this move will encourage Morman values, and they ecourage every fan to enjoy the games with their many wives and children. The Lifetime Network hopes to cash in on the incredibly high number of female viewers.


Clemens can't remember anything

Wednesday Federal Prosecuters filed indictment charges against former baseball great, Roger Clemens. The charges brought against Clemens are perjury and pertain to his Congressional hearing on performance enhancing drugs in 2008. The news of this indictment came as a surprise to Clemens and he says he plans to fight the charges all the way.

"I've done nothing wrong here", says Clemens, "Those Federal guys must be mis remembering something I said when I was giving them an autograph because when I speak, its always the truth and rainbows form in the sky. Plus, I never went to a Congressional hearing."

When shown video of the hearing Clemens and his lawyers decided he will plea 'innocent based on mis rememberment'. Indianapoliser legal experts have no idea how that will hold up in court.

Stories by C. Bommarito and Dudley Dawson

Ron Artest Tweets + Garfield

The Indianapoliser presents Ron Ron's tweets + Garfield!

Deep Fried Cigarettes a Hit at State Fair

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indiana State Fair opened Sunday. And, keeping with tradition, this year’s fair pushes the envelope of deep fried delights. Visitors are clamoring to get their sausage fingers on the hottest new fried creation, deep fried cigarettes.

"We've seen deep fried pizza, Oreos, butter and pickles," said Clem Dakich, proprietor of Clem's Fried Smoke Shack. "But, we upped ante this year by addressing a real problem with novelty foods. In the past, when our customers sat down to eat delicious fried treats, they had to take a break from smoking. Well, not on my watch. Not anymore.”

To make the treat, vendors take an individual cigarette, roll it in pig lard, butter, cake batter and fat, before deep frying it until it is coated with a golden brown cholesterol spiking shell of deliciousness. Consumers can enjoy the smoke in their lungs as well as the dripping, fried back fat on their lips and fingers.

Different flavors are also available. Clem’s offers Kools with chocolate and sugar added for a sweet, decadent dessert taste; Camels with added salt and vinegar; and Viceroys Tokyo-style are soaked in Soy Sauce for an exotic Asian twist. Marlboro Ultra-Lights in light breading are available for more health-conscience consumers.

Clem's Fried Smoke Shack has enjoyed a steady stream of sweaty Hoosiers waddling up for puffs since he took the shop off its wheels Sunday afternoon. These edible treats provide a week’s worth of calories in approximately ten puffs and six bites.

While the vast majority of the fair crowd celebrates this marvel in human innovation, others are not so thrilled. Area doctors have spoken out against consuming these treats. Many are quick to cite the twelve strokes and twenty-two heart attack deaths at the Fair this year as proof. Fair officials do not acknowledge a connection and plan to continue the sale of deep fried smokes throughout the week.

“There’s always going to be nay-sayers,” said Clem, smiling broadly with both teeth as he fired up a deep fried Memphis-Style Barbeque Lucky Strike. “But, I reckon it's time we celebrate the smoker instead of banning him from bars, restaurants and Babies ‘R Us."

Story by C. Bommarito & Dudley Dawson

Gen Con: Noble Elf Begins Epic Quest for Towed Minivan

INDIANAPOLIS – Lord Dask Elvar Hildar left the Indianapolis Convention Center late Sunday to embark on a mystic, dangerous odyssey through magic forests and treacherous high seas to retrieve his purloined noble steed, his parents' 1998 Dodge Caravan. Hildar, also known as Keith Mench, a 42 year-old warehouse supervisor at Office Depot, discovered the minivan was towed after he finished gaming at Gen Con in the late afternoon.

“I’m called a receiving specialist in the human world”, says Mench, “but to most, I’m a Level 24 Palladin Elf. I’ve spent the last twelve years gaining experience and earning the respect of my elven tribe. Fortunately I only use my craft for the greater good. That should serve me well on this quest.”

He set out to retreive his vehicle from the mystic Delaware & South Towing. After a brief stopover at the popular Palladin Elf hangout for a Steakburger and Oreo shake he continued east, past Lord Hampton’s castle. His lack of muscular tissue, delicate frame and reluctant tolerance to milk products made the journey incredibly labor intensive.

The journey turned dangerous and Hildar briefly abandoned his quest when he came across a group of wicked wraiths. His intense fear of the opposite sex caused him to dive behind a parked SUV and cower in fear, as the five women disappeared into Ike and Jonsey's. Had they noticed him he would have surely been forced to speak to them – a risk he was unwilling to take.

Hildar sprinted south through the Union grotto away from the enchanting music spilling from the bowels of the Slippery Noodle Inn. His social anxiety relented as his feet created distance between himself and common folk of the town.

Upon arriven at Delaware & South Towing Hidlar met an evil dwarf named Rick.

“I informed this futile dwarf my stallion had been sequestered by members of his clan,” lamented Hildar. “He refused to acknowledge my request but admitted my parents' van was in the lot. He demanded cash, money order or certified personal check which I found intolerable.”

Hildar produced his replica rapier and a brief struggle ensued, ending with Rick tossing Hildar out from the building and onto the sidewalk. Hildar then clutched his slingshot and launched a mighty stone, striking a windshield and shattering it into a mountain of translucent gems. Hildar then prepared to charge the lot when the Visigoths of the Indianapolis Police Department arrived in colorful chariots.

“I was no match for their wizardry,” recalled Hildar. “One of them held up his hand and struck me with a lightning bolt. It lasted about 30 seconds and I urinated on myself.”

Mench was arrested for assault with an aluminum foil sword, vandalism and public urination. IMPD informed his parents of the incident and eventually dropped all charges. Mench’s parents have revoked his van and television privileges for the remainder of the summer.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Friday Sports Shorts

Manning 2.0

The Colts opened training camp this week unveiling a new weapon at QB. After showing signs of mortality in last year's Super Bowl, the Colts organization dismantled the previous Peyton Manning and started from scratch. Peyton’s body was reconstructed within a steel shell and displayed during the team’s second practice.

Only five spectators were killed when PM 2.0 pulled a semi-automatic handgun from his leg and shot wildly into a crowd of onlookers. The Colts are calling the mishap a temporary glitch and hope to have PM 2.0 firing bullets in the direction of his receivers by their season opening visit to Houston.


The McShaq Signs with Celtics

Shaquille O'Neal signed with the Boston Celtics Wednesday and inched one step closer to his goals of winning another NBA Championship and playing for every team in the league. If his current pace continues, O'Neal will sign with the Pacers around 2020 and finish his career in 2029 with the Minnesota Timberwolves.

"It's a Shaqtastic day," said The McShaq, "Some guys will retire with more rings, but not more jerseys."

This signing also laid the groundwork for O'Neal's post-NBA career -- boxing. After some on-air criticism, McShaq used Twitter to challenge ESPN's loudmouth commentator Jim Rome to a charity match on Patrick's Day in Fenway Park. This would be Rome's first bout since his title match with Jim Everett in 1994.


Reporting by Hate Nurst and Dudley Dawson

Lawyer: Lindsay Lohan would like to Shank Inmate before Jail Time Ends

LYNWOOD, CA – After earning a reduced prison term, due to overcrowding, Lindsay Lohan’s opportunities to shank a fellow inmate have been severely reduced. Her original 90-day sentence was thought to be more than enough time to pierce the abdomen or lower back of another prisoner, but those dreams will come to an end unless her lawyer is able to pull some strings.

Shawn Chapmen Holley, Lohan’s lawyer, has requested that the state of California allow Lohan to be involved in a shiv to the abdomen event sometime in the next week, before Lohan leaves the women’s facility and heads to mandatory rehab.

“My client, whom was visibly distraught when I last talked to her, would like to make sure she is taking the fullest advantage of her shortened jail sentence,” relayed the irate Holley. “Now, Lindsay has no desire to be treated any differently than her fellow inmates, but she would prefer to be on the charitable end of this transaction and not the receiving. Her loving father has already had a knife like tool fashioned which was blinged out by Lindsay’s favorite jeweler, XIV Karats Jewelery. She would also like her publicist to produce the weapon, or ‘shiv’ if you will, in a small plastic baggy and smuggle the item in rectally during visiting hours. Lastly, Miss Lohan would like a bottle of Voss water to cleanse her blood soaked hands at the completion of the shank fest.”

No timetable has been set for the shanking as of yet, but a spokesmen for Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood said it will likely happen near the very end of her stay, if it were to happen at all.

“Miss Lohan is being treated like any other inmate in the facility,” announced the spokesmen. “That being said, there have been some requests made to provide Miss Lohan the opportunity to stab one of our long term residence right in the belly. We have been discussing on whether or not we should fulfill that request given that her stay with us is being decreased. There are no specific details as to how or when this would take place, but it will likely be as the recipient is leaving the shower area, and it will be a firm stab to the gut.”

The Lynwood facility has enrolled Lohan into a 5 hour aggressive knife fighting class, where she will learn how to handle, pinpoint, and drive sharp objects into unsuspecting stomachs. She is expected to report to rehab approximately 24-hours after her penitentiary abdomen run through.

Story by Hate Nurst