Brainard: Eat silt Indy! Battle between cities continues, Carmel claims its shit is better than Indianapolis'

The border wars between Carmel and Indianapolis keep escalating and are getting ranker with each and every day.

Carmel Mayor James Brainard is urging residents through a public relations campaign to "shit at home" for the sake of a better Carmel. Tax money was spent by the state of Indiana to conduct a study of waste treatment plants and the quality of their product - silt. The findings indicate the silt produced by the Carmel plant is, to put it delicately, better than anyone else in the state.

"I attribute that to Angus beef," said Brainard. "We're not just Fat
Bastards here in this city, we watch what we eat and it pays off in the end."

Area farmers are lining up to purchase the byproduct for their fields and with that Brainard is seeing big brown dollar signs. "Indianapolis' shit is crap. Nobody out there except for pig corn farmers want theirs. We have strawberry and sweet corn producers who are climbing the walls to get our shit. Our city is so efficient even our crap turns to gold."

The study, which was funded by the state's Wildlife Department, was conducted to evaluate the quality of the silt being dumped into our rivers and lakes. "Hey, who knew we could grow shit with it," said Wildlife spokesman Jeremiah Butt. "This is much better for everyone. We can dump it on the food we eat and not in the rivers. Now that's what I call a win-win."

Mayor Ballard dispels the results saying the city of Carmel has an unfair advantage. "It takes a lot of money to eat well. Hell, half of our results indicate nothing but White Castle, beef stroganoff flavor mixed with Miller Lite from cans. How can we compete?" Ballard urged.

The market for the Carmel silt has reached even the national level. Experts at Purdue University say crops grown with the silt will produce more per acre than crops not using the silt. "The only issue is when we boiled shit grown sweet corn, the gas emission is pretty intense but the flavor is
quite out of this world," said Professor Scratch and his assistant Herbert Sniff.

But for now, Carmel Mayor Brainard is pretty pleased with his city. "In every roundabout way," he said, while holding a triton and posing nude, for a bronze statue in front of the Palladium, "Carmel is better than Indianapolis. If we could just get out of town, that would be great."

Story by Frank Bivoac

Current NBA Standings relevant to Pacer fans

1. New Jersey Nets - John Wall

2. Minnesota Timberwolves - Evan Turner

3. Golden State Warriors - Derrick Favors

4. Washington Wizards - DeMarcus Cousins

5. Detroit Pistons - Wesley Johnson



9. Indiana Pacers - Another season of below average performance

The Butler did it

The Butler Bulldogs, with a hammer, to the face of the Syracuse Orange, in Salt Lake City, on the floor of Energy Solutions Arena.

This win by Butler only underscores Indianapolis’ indisputable dominance over New York. The Jets received a similar thrashing at the hands of the Colts earlier this year and then New Yorkers had to relive the cruel reign of Reggie Miller in the ESPN ‘30 at 30’ film, “Winning Time, Reggie Miller’s Ass Waxing of the New York Knicks.” Regardless, suck it New York! You slobber at the proximity of our drug companies!

Pacers continue winning slump

The Indiana Pacers have won four in a row and six out of their last ten, dropping from 3rd to 9th in the NBA Draft standings. This leaves the team out of range of college phenoms like Evan Turner or John Wall.

Clown-coach, Jim O'Brien clearly hasn't looked at his team's record since the first week of the season and continues to work for a playoff spot, thereby delivering fans the perfect turd of a season – horrible to watch, yet also disastrous to the club's future.

If they continue their winning ways they'll remain at the nine spot in the draft and presumably pick Kansas giant, Cole Aldrich, this decade's version of Bryant 'Big Country' Reeves.

Abstinence-only advocates urge dry humping education in schools

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- A new advocate group called Citizens for Dry Humping Education (CDHE) has recently emerged in central Indiana. Spawned from debates about abstinence-only education, the group has started seeking out sex alternatives to promote to teens.

"Dry humping" occurs when two fully-clothed individuals rub against one another to achieve sexual pleasure. Carol Seksles, founder of CDHE and long-time abstinence education lobbyist, says some people can even orgasm while dry humping.

"Not everyone has to have intercourse for that to happen," she said. "In fact, sometimes even thinking about it... oops, I just had one."

The CDHE education plan involves a semester-long course on dry humping, including visual demonstrations and tips on how to do the deed without really doing it. In fact, the group hopes all Indianapolis-area schools begin teaching at an early age that dry humping is real sex. They believe this will eliminate all future STD outbreaks and births, which Seksles says is "really the whole point of sex education."

An anonymous school nurse from a Marion County school district hopes her employers don't adopt this policy.

"My last school taught dry humping, and it was just too much work for me," she said. "Kids came in every day with horrible rashes and burns."

But according to Seksles, this won't be a problem with her new curriculum plan. Certified CDHE instructors will have extended training in safe dry humping.

"It's really common sense," Seksles said. "Don't wear jeans or corduroys. Make sure there aren't any gaping crotch holes. That kind of thing."

CDHE will host an information session and example dry humping class 1 p.m. Saturday at Monument Circle in Indianapolis. Attendees should wear loose-fitting clothes made of thin fabric. Gold Bond Medicated Powder will be provided.

Story by Penny Quarter

State Government to add special amendment to the bring your gun to work law

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Last week Governor Mitch Daniels signed a bill into law allowing employees to bring firearms to work as long as they remain concealed in the employee's vehicle. Now, a new amendment to this bill has the General Assembly buzzing.

With the addition of Amendment 187, employees will be allowed to shoot fellow coworkers. Proponents of this amendment say it's time to give employees the freedeom to shoot others for being wrong, loud or annoying. They feel this will be more efficient than working things out respectfully, just like in the John Wayne movies they love so much. But, opponents believe this law could lead to an increased number of homicides in the work place.

"I don't see an issue here," says Indiana ATF spokesman Wayne Alvis. "Shooting others when appropriate is an exercise of the 2nd Amendment. It's time to bring back the good old fashioned duel. This is the greatest thing since they legalized brass knuckles."

In anticipation of the new law, Governor Daniels ran a test case. He allowed employees the freedom to shoot each other at a packaging factory in Tipton. After only three weeks, the company's overhead costs were reduced dramatically. But detractors are quick to point out these savings were in part attributed to the workforce mysteriously decreasing from 76 employees to 24.

Democratic Assembly members promised to fight against Amendment 187 but quickly caved when members of the opposition brandished their firearms.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Go Cubs Go!

A large Toyota advertisement is rumored to be headed to the left field bleachers at historic Wrigley Field in Chicago. The union between the Cubs and the Japanese automaker is a no-brainer.

"This is great for both sides,” says Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. “We're a lot like a newly recalled Toyota. There are always high hopes and happiness before we get started. Then we pick up speed and crash and burn unexpectedly. At the end of they day we’re just a chaotic, heap of garbage onlookers can’t seem to keep their eyes off.


Ron Washington danced with the Peruvian Lady

Ron Washington recently admitted he tested positive for cocaine last year. Many league officials had their suspicions before the test was administered. Washington made multiple recruiting trips to Columbia, performed excessive cavity searches on his Dominican prospects, insisted hitting practice last from 6a.m. until 4a.m. and frequently exposed his multiple gold chains by never fastening the top three buttons on his jersey. Lastly, he always emerged from the clubhouse with a stripper under each arm and remnants of powdered doughnuts sprinkled in his mustache.

Two out of Three Indiana Schools Win

The Butler Bulldogs and Purdue Boilermakers upset asshole nay-sayers in the national sports media by advancing to the second round of the NCAA tournament. Notre Dame, on the other hand, shit its fucking pants at the sight of Old Dominion. Sorry Irish fans, but don’t worry – only six months until football seas – er, nevermind.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Couple Hopes St. Patty's Day Party Will Set-up Another Exotic Drunken Story

GREENWOOD, IN – Glen and Kari Robertson have spent the last two weeks preparing for their annual St. Patrick's Day party. In years past, this was as simple as dying the drinks green and popping in a Flogging Molly CD to entertain guests. But, after an epic bash in 2009, they feel a great deal of pressure to recreate the atmosphere that produced last year's great drunken story for their group of friends and co-workers.

Last St. Patrick's Day the party started off very normal, with some party-goers glued to the TV watching Old School. Others were in the kitchen playing an intense game of Three Man. A few couples were at various locations in the backyard hooking up. In the garage was the gathering place where the guests took smoke breaks and refilled their green Hairy Buffaloes from the trash can holding the potent, yet non-traditional Irish concoction. A buzz of talking and laughter filled the house, but the night’s tone quickly changed. Without
warning, a loud deep bass line came from below everyone’s feet.

“Before I even opened the door, I knew it would be good.” said Kyle Grant, one of the many party-goers.

The guests opened the basement door to find a shirtless Jesse Spaulding gripping a metal support pole and thrusting his man zone like he was attempting to reproduce to save mankind. At 6’2 and 285 pounds, his back-and-forth propulsions sent ripples throughout his excess mass. His spare tire looked as though it were a water bed being wrestled on by a half dozen midgets. The stretch marks on his love handles looked like a clear sack of cottage cheese being tossed around in a dryer.

He had a two-handed grip on the pole with a foot tightly pressed on either side its base, forming what is known as a Drunken DiMaggio. His eyes were intently focused on the pole as if he had actually mounted a dirty stripper from the Kentucky Klub. Without warning, he maneuvered into the Vegas Showman by opening his hips, letting his left hand fly free over his head and continuing to thrust at an angle at his new found vertical iron post.

"It's impossible not to watch this train wreck," said one anonymous party-goer.

"He ain't no Timberlake," said another.

Five hours into the party Mr. Spaulding had discovered four things:

1. He REALLY liked Hairy Buffalo.

2. The hosts had a kick ass stereo system.

3. Digital Underground – Sex Packets.

4. An iron support pole in the center of the basement.

“He made that pole his bitch!” yelled Tim Fairly who emerged from the hot tub in the backyard and had only a Big Gulp cup covering his genitals.

"It's matter of taking what you want," exclaimed Spaulding over 'Freaks of the Industry'. "If you can get a hold of some bad ass, mind blowing music and you drink enough Hairy Buff you could be like me, grinding on this here pole!"

Less than an hour later Spaulding was discovered passed out at the kitchen table with a half empty glass of Rumpleminze and Kool Aid, face down in a plate of Ramen Noodles, smothered in Hooters 3 Mile Island wing sauce.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Midwest Bartending School Granted NCAA D1 Status

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- In a surprise move, the Midwest Bartending School was approved for Division 1 status by the NCAA. Interim president, Jim Isch, announced the decision shortly after revealing the 2010 tournament bracket last night.

“We’ve been looking to upgrade their status for a while now,” said Isch. “We are also recommending our main headquarters in Indianapolis serve as a training facility, specifically our board room.”

An MBS spokesperson denied comment on its inclusion to the NCAA, but did serve up a perfect Old Fashioned on the rocks.

MBS waged an aggressive campaign throughout its application process. School officials touted their high graduation rate and job placement. The school boasts a proven track record of providing student athletes with practical job skills for today’s economy.

Last Thursday their website posted, “We're not some fly-by-night bartending school that won't be there down the road - quite the opposite - We are Indiana's premiere bartending school and have been since 1993! In fact, our Indianapolis bartending school is so well respected our graduates get called upon to staff events such as the Kentucky Derby and the Indianapolis 500 - How's that for a first bartending job!”

“A proactive campaign like this never hurts the process. I hope more bartending schools are encouraged by MBS and take advantage of our application process,” said Isch. “Personally, I’d love to see a lot more ‘flair’ in the NCAA. I really enjoy the bottle-tossing, fire breathing and what-have-you when those guys make my single olive Martinis. I’m sure they’ll put on a real show out on the court too.”

Story by Hate Nurst

Rothlisberger: Dumbass

Big, dumb meathead, Ben Rothlisberger, could be facing sexual assault charges soon. The ape-like quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers allegedly became forceful with a 20-year-old college student he met in a Georgia nightclub. He faced similar allegations last year at a Lake Tahoe resort.

Some speculate Rothlisberger suffered damage to the part of the brain that hears women say “no” when he crashed his motorcycle, while not wearing a helmet, in 2006 - an act that seems especially stupid, considering the blockhead is required to wear a helmet for his day job.

Many NFL players are already speaking out against Rothlisberger. “Kill’n some dogs don’t seem so bad now does it,” asked an elated Michael Vick earlier today.

Pacers Tipping Their Hand for Upcoming Draft

The New Jersey Nets will almost certainly finish with the worst record in the NBA this season. But the Pacers have a clear chance to finish with the second worst record and have a legitimate shot at the number one pick in the 2010 draft.

Pacer coach Jim O’Brien announced today, whenever they pick, they will not take either point guard, John Wall or Evan Turner. O’Brien would like to fill that position with a healthy Jeff Foster next season.

The Pacers coaching staff feels that if Foster had stayed healthy this would have been a very different season. They believe his athleticism, ball-handling ability and passing skills are key to the Pacers building a winning future.

Drunk Angler Enters 16.5 pound Fish

A Southern Indiana man awoke from a beer induced coma to discover he reeled in a 16.5 pound Bowfin fish. The Department of Natural Resources reported the fish broke the 1988 Fish of the Year record of 16 pounds. The DNR also reported 54 fish were entered for Fish of the Year in which 54 of those submitting were cited for being under the influence of alcohol, tying a record of every year Fish of the Year has been in existence with a 100 percent hook to inebriation ratio.

Hoosiers’ Season Comes to a Sad End

IU closed out another lackluster season last night at Conseco Fieldhouse, losing to Northwestern 73-58 in the first round of the Big Ten Tournament. After the game Coach Crean promised to roar back next season with a slightly improved offense and pledged to make another incremental baby-step towards IU’s former glory.

Police discover pattern to murder-suicide cases

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Local police made what they are calling a "startling discovery." A team of four criminologists, funded by the federal government, have been attempting to find trends in murder-suicide cases for the past fifteen years. After their long, painstaking research they have been able to connect some dots when it comes to these tragic cases.

"We've found in most murder-suicide cases the person who is murdered dies before the person who commits suicide," says Criminologist Jim Joneswell. "This is huge. I only hope this breakthrough information will help prevent a portion of these crimes."

The team has studied over two hundred murder-suicide cases since 1995. In the beginning each member of this research team admits difficulty piecing together the puzzle toward a final conclusion. After much perseverance and over a decade and a half of work, the group is enjoying the fruits of their labor.

"This gives us a huge sense of accomplishment," says Criminologist David Karush. "A lot of hard work was done to get this major find. If what we discovered can help law enforcement get in the mind of someone who's committed a murder-suicide and prevent them from doing it again, then we've done an amazing thing."

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday Sports Shorts

Saints Coach Persistent in Riding Cowboys Owner

Last week New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton made news by convincing a waiter at St. Elmo’s Steakhouse to serve a bottle of wine to his party, which had been reserved for Cowboys Owner and GM Jerry Jones. The next day Jones’ party arrived to find the empty bottle on their table with a note on the label that read, “WHO DAT! World Champions XLIV, Sean Payton”

Apparently, the taunting did not stop there. While leaving Indianapolis, Payton and his party boarded the Cowboys private jet and convinced the pilot to take them to Dallas. While in-flight Payton again wrote “WHO DAT!” on the bathroom mirror with an arrow pointing to an un-flushed mess in the lavatory. Jones’ personal limo driver was then convinced to take Payton to the Jones estate where the Saints coach slept with Gene Jones, Jerry’s wife. Jerry returned home to find a brand on Gene’s fancy ass reading, “WHO DAT! World Champions XLIV, Sean Payton.” Jerry had a huge laugh out of the whole ordeal, as he loaded his pump-action Winchester shotgun.

Manning’s Neck

Wednesday the Colts announced four-time league MVP, Peyton Manning, had surgery to fix a pinched nerve in his neck. The surgery should not affect Manning’s offseason workouts. Manning planned the neck surgery after he experienced some choking discomfort early last month.

Indianapoliser College Basketball Championship Week Predictions

BIG TEN CONFERENCE

Ohio State odds to win: 3 to 1.
Picking the Buckeyes sort of makes you vomit in your mouth a little, but they have the best starting five in the conference.

Purdue odds to win: 10 to 1
The Boilers lost star Robbie Hummel, but they are still an impressive team. However, if Johnson and Moore are both off, they are capable of losing a high school 3A sectional game.

Indiana odds to win: Same odds as being bitten by a great white shark while walking on the moon.

HORIZON LEAGUE

Butler odds to win: 3 to 5
Butler is a dominant conference stand-out this year. The Dogs have not lost a conference game this season, although, this tournament usually produces its share of nail-biters.

Wright State odds to win: 5 to 1
They always play Butler tough. And they are the only other school, in this light-weight conference, that resembles a DI team.

Valparaiso odds to win: Can Bryce Drew play?

SUMMIT LEAGUE

IUPUI odds to win: 3 to 1
Great squad, but plagued by inconsistencies, for example they torched league leading Oakland in a statement game only to lose to the freaking IPFW Mastodons the next game. They have what it takes to win and should head to the Big Dance (where they will, unfortunately, be trounced by a #1 seed).

Oakland odds to win: Who cares, hopefully IUPUI gets back to the tournament.

IPFW odds to win: Same odds as finding ten people in Bloomington who don't think Dane Fife is a total douche.

Big Ten Teams Consider Star Wars Themed Mascots

Big Ten teams have started to contemplate a change to the popular Star Wars themed mascots after Ole Miss’ recent failed attempt to modernize their mascot to Admiral Akbar, leader of the Rebel Alliance.

Indiana University, which currently does not have a mascot, is entertaining the idea of using a Taun Taun for their mascot. This would allow for IU athletic teams to slice the mascot open and hide safely inside the belly while the opposition administers a beat-down.

Purdue has made arrangements to test their Death Star mascot during the Big Ten and NCAA tournaments. After a successful season, in which they easily reeled in their opponents and pummeled them, the Boilermakers will likely meet their maker as an adversary penetrates their defense, creating the routine explosion that typically ends Purdue’s seasons.

Michigan, quick to jump on the bandwagon, hoped to change their mascot from a Wolverine to a Wookie. However, cash-strapped Michigan officials had to lower their sites to the more budget-friendly Ewok.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Half of Indy area Toyotas are faulty!!