Obituary
Purdue University Final Four Hopes

Purdue University’s 2010 Final Four Hopes passed away Wednesday February 24, 2010 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Final Four Hopes were almost three years old. Purdue held the Big 10 Conference lead with 3 games left in the regular season and was ranked 3rd nationally. Accomplishments include: a 24-3 record, Virgin Islands Invitational Championship, four wins against top ten-ranked opponents, road wins at Ohio State University, Michigan State University, University of Illinois, and Indiana University. Purdue’s Final Four Hopes are survived by the Final Four Hopes of Wisconsin, Ohio State, and Michigan State. Final Four Hopes for Michigan, Iowa, Indiana, Northwestern, Minnesota and Penn State passed earlier this basketball season. A memorial service will be held at Harry’s Chocolate Shop on Selection Sunday March 14, 6:00 P.M.

Ed note: This is the 30 year anniversary of the Miracle on Ice. Purdue fans, do you still believe in miracles?

NFL Combine comes to town

Once again the NFL scouting combine has donned its presence on the City of Indianapolis. Hundreds of potential NFL draft picks will be poked, prodded, ground up into tiny chunks, reduced to a pulp, mashed back together, kneaded and finally cooked until they meet a certain teams preference. Beef that does not attain grade “A” quality will be discarded and re-circulated back into the general population. But before any of that happens the State Board of Health has been called to Lucas Oil Stadium to inspect the mass quantities of beef for traces of rat feces.

Pacers Sign Local Athletes

The Indiana Pacers have struggled to put the fire back in their offense since trading the rambunctious Ron-Ron Artest, Jamaal Tinsley and Stephen Jackson. Fans worried when the Pacers let the NBA trade deadline pass without making significant changes last week, but team officials believe they have found answers in nearby Carmel.

Several Carmel High School basketball players were disciplined this week for a “bullying incident'' involving and two freshmen during a bus ride from Terre Haute on Jan. 22. The Pacers jumped on the opportunity to sign these athletes to multi-year deals. The team credited towel boy Josh McRoberts for his scouting work at CHS.

Changes Coming to the 2014 Winter Olympics

Yesterday the International Olympic Committee announced several event changes for the 2014 Sochi Russia Winter Olympics.

Instead of skiing and jumping on separate occasions, participants of the Nordic Combined event will perform ski jumps while traveling the 10 km course, target shooting between jumps.

Another controversial change is the addition of a 40 ft. jump to the Skeleton event. Participants will complete a jump at 80 MPH land back on the track, and continue down to the finish line.

Ice Dancing will also be combined with the obscure Canadian sport, “Hockey.”

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Ballard Battles Brainard; Indy Threatens to Secede from Carmel

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- Upset Carmel is attempting to steal away Indianapolis' fine arts with the construction and opening of the Palladium, Mayor Ballard has vowed to stop all commerce between the two cities.

Ballard, and his corps of engineers will close all main arteries between the two cities. The formerly covert project has already begun with the closing of the bridge over I-465 at 96th and Rangeline Road this month. The second dagger was the closing of the bridge over 465 on River Road. To further complicate matters, Ballard has also restricted traffic at Keystone Ave. and I-465.

"This should send a clear message to Carmel that if they want to play hardball, two can play that game," said Ballard recently.

The Palladium, Brainard's edifice to himself, is set to open in January 2011. In theory, this will be a state-of-the-art concert venue that will host the world's best musicians. "If nobody can get to it except those poor people living in Carmel, then I'm okay with that," said Mayor Ballard.

The plan is simple - keep the Carmelites (pronounced Carr-mel-lites) pissed off by making travel impossible. The backlash from these closings will make the residents question Carmel mayor Jim Brainard's sanity and ability to make sound decisions. "I think we've got him this time," an aide to Ballard was quoted as saying.

"Indy is tired of being treated like a bastard child," said Ballard. "We have stuff to do already here. There's no need to visit the lame water park or bike to Bub's on the Monon Trail. Hell, we have a Ben and Jerry's along the Monon where you won't even get shot at - in the daytime at least. Now that's something!"

The two mayors met recently to discuss the issues the closings have created for Carmel residents. But the only thing the two could agree on was the fact their last names both began with a B.

The meeting proved to be little more than a roundabout in futility.

Story by Frank Bivoac

Winter Olympics Roundup

To save you the torture of actually watching the Winter Olympics, The Indianapoliser has condensed the week’s top stories into bite-sized nuggets for your reading pleasure:

American skater, Evan Lysacek, won the gold medal in men's figure skating Thursday, beating out Russian rival Evgeni Plushenko. Three Eastern European skaters were ejected from competition after testing positive for illegal amounts of sequins.

“Comedian” Carrot Top is reported to be enjoying a great deal of fame from being mistaken for gold medal winning snowboarder Shaun White. "Man, if I could afford the bus ticket, I'd be on my way to Vancouver right now," he excitedly said to himself, while sitting alone in his bleak studio apartment.

Lindsey Vonn won a gold medal in the Women’s Downhill Skiing and received a bronze in Overall Hotness, a category traditionally dominated by U.S. snowboarders.

On a sad note, Olympic athletes aren’t immune from the struggling U.S. economy; Cash 4 Gold reported a “huge spike” in Olympic gold medal purchases this week.

Media Outlets Scramble for Sad-faced Tiger Woods Images

Today’s Tiger Woods press conference sent photo editors of various news and media conglomerates into a frenzy with little time to spare. Professionals from across the world are scouring the AP photo archives for still images of Tiger with a sad, distraught or pensive gaze.

“Tiger is obviously an emotional wreck. Just look at him in this photo after missing the putt on the 9th hole. He’s probably thinking of suicide,” assumed CNN’s Chief Tiger Woods photo editor, Gary Pelty. “The problem is we need 50 more of these to run in a loop over our weeklong coverage of this press conference! How are we going to dissect what he said without running sad Tiger photos over and over again?”

Theme Cars Intrigue Racing Community

Last week the IRL introduced one of the new designs for the future of open wheeled racing. The Batmobile-inspired ‘Delta Wing’ concept car is still in development and not due for release until 2012 season. But, IRL representatives believe this and other new concept cars will bolster open wheel racing.

‘Theme Cars’ will be paired to each driver’s unique qualities. For example, Tony Kanaan will drive the ‘Wolverine’ allowing his car to regenerate once he inevitably crashes. Danica Patrick will drive the ‘Sissy Spacek/Carrie’ car, while the less bitchy Milka Duno will drive the ‘Wonder Woman’. The ‘Invisible Man” car will be driven by Oriol Servia since nobody really knows who he is. Sarah Fisher will drive the ‘Cyanide’ car further enhancing her vehicle’s ability to self-destruct. Helio Castroneves has opted for the ‘Al Capone’ car to aid his tax evasion ability.

Osceola Grocery Bagger Grabs Championship

Kyle Perry, an Osceola, Ind. Martin’s Supermarket bag boy, won the World Grocery Bagger National Championship (WBGNC) in Las Vegas last week. Kyle was content to win the honor of best bagger, but there seems to be some discontent in his demeanor.

“I put in a lot of hours at the weight room and the end of the checkout line to get to this point in my career,” he said. “But, I wish I was bagging other things at this point in my life, like girls for instance. I’ve been practicing baggin’ chicks just as long as I’ve been bagging groceries.”

Kyle considered putting some of his winnings towards a visit to the nearby Bunny Ranch, but quickly changed his mind, “that would be a disservice to my bagging hand.”

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Mattel unveils more mature, Cougar Barbie

EL SEGUNDO, CA -- Mattel is set to release a an updated Barbie early next month. The move is part of a new trend the toy manufacturer has taken to adapt and develop toys for the 21st Century.

“This Barbie will appeal to a hipper generation of young girls," said Brian Mead, the slightly lispy editor of Toy Insider magazine. "She'll be dressed to the nines, sexier than ever, and a real whore for the younger, Cub Ken currently still in development.”

Cougar Barbie will be fit with several outfit upgrades. Among them will be her low cut dress, high hem line, stiletto heels for Club Cougar Barbie and tight fitting camisole and low rise mini skirt complete with fuck-me-boots for Out & About Cougar Barbie. Both will come with tattoo decals to be placed on Barbie's lower back. And neither model is equipped with under garments.

Little Suzie Baker was one of the first to be introduced to Cougar Barbie through a test market group. “OMG! Cougar Barbie is such a slut! I love her! My mom was like, ‘Suzie, I think you’re a little young for Cougar Barbie,’ but I was like, ‘STFU Mom!’ Gosh!” When asked if Cougar Barbie was missing anything, little Suzie interrupted, “Stop. So boring. I’d like to see more Botox on her forehead, but I totally worship her surgically enhanced DSLs! I don’t know what DSLs are but my brother Tommy says Ms. Timber, our music teacher, has a great pair.”

Cougar Barbie is due to hit the shelves in late March or early April to coincide with spring break season. The first wave of toys will contain 20 percent more plastic than regular Barbies, each comes complete with an over-sized appletini and will be encased in an easy accessible, gigantic leather box.


Story by Hate Nurst

Senator Evan Bayh retires; reveals his secret identity

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Seated at an oak desk, in a sparsely decorated conference room at IUPUI, Evan Bayh announced this afternoon that he would not seek another term in the U.S. Senate. An increasingly bleak outlook for the economy, a recently-lost supermajority in the Senate, and mounting pressure on Congress to trim the budget has brought immeasurable attention to the Democrats in Washington. While most U.S. Senators are content to have the attention, Sen. Bayh said that he's had his fill of "earthling" politics.

"I'd like to reveal to the world today that....I'm Superman," announced Bayh to a crowd of shocked political reporters. "I've lived this lie long enough. I owe an explanation to my constituents."

Speculation of Bayh's super-heroics have long been dismissed as barroom chatter in the nation's capital. But, frequent absences from the Senate, his indecisiveness and lack of passion on any key issues led many of his colleages to grow suspicious of his true convictions.

"Seriously, has he done anything at all since he's been here?" said Sen. Harry Reid. "He did co-sponsor that bill to make Rocky Road the national ice cream but, apart from that, I can't remember a single action he's taken. In fact, any time there was a major vote, he was mysteriously absent."

Bayh said it's been painful to maintain such a mundane existence by day while rescuing the young and the feeble at night. And then his super-hero obligations began to spill over into his political life. "I'd hear a scream for help while I was in my office. What was I supposed to do? Go vote? Sorry, not on my watch."

Bayh's friend and presumed successor, Republican Dan Coats, was the only one who knew his true identity.

"He told me that he initially chose to run for a Senate seat because he thought it would be the best place for him to fly under-the-radar," said Coats in an exclusive interview with The Indianapoliser. "He knew masquerading as a Democrat from Indiana was the ideal cover to avoid attention. It really worked out until his constituents started demanding more action from their Senators. He knew his secret identity would be exposed if he continued. This way, it's on his own terms."

A tearful Bayh, or Jor-El as he now prefers, lamented that his alter-ego was never able to fulfill his ultimate goal of mounting a failed run as a Vice-Presidential candidate. "That would have been the pinnacle of ineffectiveness on this planet. "

Story by E. Goldberg

South Side declares Snowroshima

GREENWOOD, IN – Greenwood is taking drastic measures to cope with the ongoing snow catastrophe that has plagued our region for the better part of a week.

"The days of ice and snow related delays and inconveniences are over,” said Greenwood official Ken Wintersby. “With this Federal stimulus money we're implementing the very best in snow and ice removal practices. Bring it on, Mother Nature! We’ve got the equipment to fight back."

Wintersby announced Greenwood chose to purchase sugar and cinnamon this year instead of restocking the winter salt and sand levels.

"Sugar and cinnamon were going for half the price of industrial snow melting salt and sand,” said Wintersby, at a press conference early this morning. “We just couldn't resist the savings. Salt and sugar are the same color so we expected them to perform the same. Plus, cinnamon kind of looks like sand so the assumption here is that it will hold the same traction."

The reaction to this plan of attack has been mixed. Many applaud the city for its out-of-the-box approach.

“Snow fall increases about 98 percent during the winter as opposed to the summer, fall and spring months." estimated Brenda Mallard, local soccer mom. "I’m relieved Greenwood is finally making headway in the war against snowfall. We can't use traditional methods anymore."

When asked if she thought rush hour commutes improved this year over previous snow pandemic months, Mallard responded, “I’m not really sure. The enormity of my Chevy Suburban keeps me oblivious to the outside commuters. I’ve got tons of other shit I need to worry about while I’m driving. Eyeliner being one."

City officials are also encouraging Greenwood residents to take extreme measures to prevent snow-related injuries and disease by reminding citizens to wash their hands, use tons of hand sanitizer, and avoid contact with anyone who has been in a car accident caused by snowfall.

"It's also important to prevent snow from entering through the genitals,” added Wintersby. "There are several ways of doing this, but abstaining from wintry activities is the only sure-fire way to stay safe."

Story by Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Game day chili prompts area man to take giant shit at host’s house

NOBLESVILLE, IN – A Hamilton County man stumbled upon a grizzly scene early Sunday evening. 29 year-old Mathew Brewer unleashed a massive bowel movement at the home of Chris Gainsworth, a close friend and host to Sunday's Super Bowl party.

The remains of Brewer's giant shit resembled the rotted corpse of a baby African Bush Elephant. Party patron, Jeff Barnhart, walked-in shortly after the abomination and immediately tossed his recently devoured mashed super skins all over the bathroom tile floor. Home-owner, Gainsworth was unaware of the situation until Brewer joined the rest of the crew in the living room, carrying his stench trail with him.

“Party pooping is a faux pas on gameday!” bellowed Gainsworth, still covering his nose and mouth. “Instead of lounging back and watching the Colts kick some ass, I have to go quarantine the bathroom now! I’ll be scouring the side of the bowl for weeks, but Goddamn that guy has guts."

Still shaken from his discovery, Barnhartt echoed the sentiment. "I shit one place and one place only - Casa de Jeffrey!" he said. "Yeah, I've sacrificed some boxers on the way, but I saved face.”

"I knew it was from the gameday chili," Brewer recalled. "You can classify that shit under 'Japanese Flag.' Hot coming out my asshole, shining red against my white cheeks. But you know what? If Chris has anything to say about it he can go fuck himself for serving inferno-grade chili in the first place. I wiped a half-quart of blood!”

No ass-beatings have been administered yet, but interested parties are keeping a close eye on Brewer's mal-absorption problems.

“We knew Matt’s fat-ass was a liability going into game days,” added Gainsworth. “Unfortunately, he’s our beer guy, so we have to keep him around.”

Story by Hate Nurst

Palin calls out Emanuel

WASHINGTON DC - White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel's brash, aggressive style is legendary in Washington D.C. Last week Emanuel called a liberal group's commercial that took shots at moderate democrats "fucking retarded." This set off a firestorm of criticism across Capitol Hill, most pointedly from conservative former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

"Those comments were way out of line," said Palin. "I am appalled. President Obama and Vice President O'Biden should ask Emanuel to step down immediately. You can't just have some White House staffer spouting off willy-nilly and saying insensitive things. That's flat out gay!"

Palin plans to begin a bus tour promoting mentally handicapped awareness and political correctness issues. The tour will hit ten cities across the United States. She initially planned for more stops but has experienced trouble selling tickets to the events.

"We'd hit every city across this great country if we could," said Palin. "But, they've jewed us down on ticket prices so bad, we just can't afford to."

Story by Dudley Dawson

Toyota details recall issues

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Pacers really pulling for Colts

Millions of Colts fans are gearing up for Super Bowl XLIV in Miami this weekend. Many area fans are thankful to have such positive representation for the city of Indianapolis, but none more than the Indiana Pacers.

“We wanted fans to take notice of our relatively fast start, but now we're happy nobody's watching,” says Pacers General Manager David Morway. “With the Colts doing so well, I'll bet half the city doesn't even know our starting lineup and, for now, that's just fine by us."

The Pacers, a team with playoff aspirations, are thankful nobody in Indy has noticed their fall in the standings. Normally this kind of consistent losing would garner a great deal of attention, but with the Colts in the Super Bowl, the Indianapolis Star barely prints their box scores.

"Oh shit! They played this week too, didn’t they?" Asked Indianapolis Star Columnist Mike Wells. "Heck, I was blogging on Stampedeblue.com about the Colts all night."

The team has made a concerted effort to encourage their fans to find better entertainment this season. Next week the real challenge begins.

“Hopefully there will be more distractions. If we’re real lucky a local athlete will get arrested for something. Something big! I’m not saying anything, but IMPD may want to search Dallas Clark’s car next week,” Morway added, laughing maniacally.


Even More Clint Session Fun Facts

• The devil sold his soul to Clint Session.
• Clint Session can smell fear, like a skank can smell Axe body spray.
• Clint Session is the nation's leading cause of pain-killer addition.
• There are two types of outside linebackers in the NFL. Ones who suck and Clint Session.
• It's always sunny wherever Clint Session goes, because the sun never sets on a baddass.
• Clint Session can believe it's butter. Always has.
• Clint Session doesn't drive a car. He just sprints to where he wants to go and gets there in half the time.
• Clint Session is so cool he has his own theme music that follows him around, performed live by the Wu Tang Clan - including ODB!
• Some regret that they have but one life to give to their country. Clint Session has ten lives and regrets nothing.

Reporter can't stop staring at Drew Brees' birthmark

Drew Brees cut off an awkward Q&A session during Media Day on Tuesday. Norm Neely, a sports beat writer from Bruce Hills, Mich., could't stop himself from staring at the birthmark on the quaterback's right cheek. Brees tried to be polite about the uncomfortable exchange, but the reporter's questions grew increasingly embarrassing:

"What can you tell us about the health of All-Pro left freckle, Jammal Brown?"

"Drew, do you care to talk about the mole you've played in rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina"

“During practice you mentioned being a little off the birthmark, is that just pre-game jitters or something larger?”

"One last question Drew, will your vision be hampered by that huge stain on your cheek, or is it sorta like a second brain that keeps your thought process two steps ahead of everyone else on the playing field?”

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Magnetic ribbon manufacturersslow to exploit Haitian tragedy

In the immediate aftermath of January's Haitian earthquake the manufacturers of magnetic ribbons were caught sleeping. More than three weeks after the tragic event the Magnetic Ribbon Manufacturers Coalition of America has finally put forth an effort to show support and raise money for the devastated country.

“It’s not just about what you give, it’s also letting others know you were there to give,” says Wayne Cowell of the design team creating the new Haiti magnetic ribbon that will adorn automobiles.

The Haitian Support Ribbon will soon be in line with the ribbons already available for consumers to place on their cars. Many are already available to show drivers' support of causes such as U.S. forces engaged in combat, Autism Awareness, Breast Cancer Awareness and even the Toilet paper colored Irritable Bowel Syndrome/Makes Frequent Stops ribbon.

“Sure, anyone can donate $10.00 to the International Red Cross or Red Crescent and nearly all of that goes to relief efforts," comments Cowell. "That's a good thing to do. But why bother, when instead you can buy a $5.00 magnet ribbon, with $3.00 going to the cause and the remainder going to the item you place on your car, allowing the world to see how much you really care.”

He followed with “In this age of apathy, we need more people to do more, not only care about one’s fellowman, but let everyone else know that you care about one’s fellowman, and the magnetic car ribbon is the ideal way to exhibit your social conscious and active involvement.”

This new ribbon works on two very important levels: raising capital for the agencies providing relief and sending the message to others that the purchaser cares. This ribbon will adorn vehicles for years to come, providing iron-clad evidence the driver not only had concern, but participated in the relief effort. At post time designers have yet to choose a color for the magnet.

Story by Unlce Jenya

New York Times publishesbizarre photobomb obit pic

Office creep takes casual Friday too far

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Quintec Enterprise employees have grown accustomed to George Morrison clipping his toenails at his desk, belching openly, and offering unsolicited advice on a range of topics from dog walking to birth control. But recent events have caused HR to look into incorporating stricter rules for casual Friday.

"When I hear casual Friday, I interpret that to mean dressing the way I would casually lounge around my house,” says Morrison, a mid-level account manager. “I come to work just like I was just walking into another room of my duplex. I wear an over-sized t-shirt and slippers with my lucky Blue Friday joxers at home. I think that's good enough for casual Friday too. Then people started to complain that they could see my underwear, so viola! "

Casual Friday is an institution in many local offices. Some employers encourage a theme such as Hawaiian shirt day or Colts Blue Friday. Other employers, such as Quintec Enterprise, choose to leave casual Friday dress to the discretion of their employees.

"Okay, seriously. Something needs to be done,” says Laura Butler, office temp. “Who in their right mind would think wearing no pants, no underwear, and a Nickelback t-shirt is acceptable at a place of business?"

The visual presentation has become a major weekly distraction. The discomfort level grows more intense when, on occasion, the office air vent hits Morrison’s commando attire just right to expose his erect penis.

"You know if Adam and Eve hadn't eaten that apple this wouldn't be an issue,” says an agitated Morrison. “Occasionally my man stands at attention. I can't help that. But, it's really unprofessional when people stare. Hello! Look at my eyes. I'm up here!"

Morrison's basic office cleanliness has come under fire as well. According to his peers, he has a tendency not to shake sufficiently after urinating. He often leaves a dribble trail from the bathroom back to his desk. The occasional meeting room chair skid mark accompanied by pubes has been noted on several occasions too. This was the final straw for many employees.

“Around 1:30 pm, like clockwork, George is at my cube spouting off about what happened on CSI and how he just spent the past three hours poking holes in their case,” recounts Greg Thompson, a long-time co-worker. “I try not to look at him because his dick is at eye-level. It gets pretty uncomfortable. He could benefit from a little man-scaping, if you ask me. The guy sheds like a husky in August."

Management has taken notice of the large number of complaints. They value providing their employees with the ability to relax at the end of the week. However they plan to re-evaluate their casual Friday policies soon. Many speculate pants will be required in the near future.

Story by Dudley Dawson