NCAA Adds Five Teams to the Final Four

The NCAA announced this morning they have expanded this weekend’s Final Four to nine teams. Local fans are baffled by the move that will return Kansas, Syracuse, Kentucky, Ohio State and Robert Morris to the tournament, but the NCAA governing body assured fans the move will create a fair and more inclusive championship series. Officials claimed they had not considered the financial impact of the decision, but if extra games bring in more money, that would be an unexpected bonus.

Insiders claim this is part of an ongoing effort by the NCAA to make the BCS Championship Series seem less ridiculous.

The Two-Handed Yank

Yankee pitcher, Pat Venditte, completed 1 1/3 innings on Tuesday, giving up one run while using both arms to pitch. The ambidextrous pitcher made a name for himself in spring training by switching pitching hands depending on whether the batter he faces is right-handed or left-handed.

Starting pitcher, CC Sabathia, whom Venditte relieved on Tuesday, claimed he didn’t even know the Yankees had an ambidextrous pitcher.

“I heard about this kid in the organization, but I didn’t know he was called up ‘til I saw him switch hands while taking a piss the other day,” said Sabathia. “He started with his right, but then halfway through, steam from the showers started to rise and he threw his cock to the left hand and finished. That was the most impressive thing I saw in camp this spring.”

It’s still unclear whether or not Venditte switches hands while easing his way to an orgasm.

NCAA Bitch-Slaps Next-Door Neighbor IUPUI

The NCAA handed down punishments to the IUPUI athletic program for allowing student athletes to compete despite academic shortcomings. All fourteen sports were implicated. Men's basketball, women's basketball and volleyball teams will lose scholarships and vacate wins.

A public statement from the NCAA urged IUPUI to build from this punishment by looking to other successful schools and their coaches for inspiration, suggestions included: John Calipari of Kentucky, Bob Huggins of West Virginia as well as former NCAA coaches Pete Carroll of USC and Kelvin Sampson of IU.

This investigation was one of the quickest in NCAA history. This swift action was intended to prevent denigration of the NCAA student athlete reputation and ensure college athletics are held to the highest standards. However, they had no word on when they plan to punish the USC football program for violations dating back to 2004.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst