GREENWOOD, IN – Glen and Kari Robertson have spent the last two weeks preparing for their annual St. Patrick's Day party. In years past, this was as simple as dying the drinks green and popping in a Flogging Molly CD to entertain guests. But, after an epic bash in 2009, they feel a great deal of pressure to recreate the atmosphere that produced last year's great drunken story for their group of friends and co-workers.Last St. Patrick's Day the party started off very normal, with some party-goers glued to the TV watching Old School. Others were in the kitchen playing an intense game of Three Man. A few couples were at various locations in the backyard hooking up. In the garage was the gathering place where the guests took smoke breaks and refilled their green Hairy Buffaloes from the trash can holding the potent, yet non-traditional Irish concoction. A buzz of talking and laughter filled the house, but the night’s tone quickly changed. Without
warning, a loud deep bass line came from below everyone’s feet.
“Before I even opened the door, I knew it would be good.” said Kyle Grant, one of the many party-goers.
The guests opened the basement door to find a shirtless Jesse Spaulding gripping a metal support pole and thrusting his man zone like he was attempting to reproduce to save mankind. At 6’2 and 285 pounds, his back-and-forth propulsions sent ripples throughout his excess mass. His spare tire looked as though it were a water bed being wrestled on by a half dozen midgets. The stretch marks on his love handles looked like a clear sack of cottage cheese being tossed around in a dryer.
He had a two-handed grip on the pole with a foot tightly pressed on either side its base, forming what is known as a Drunken DiMaggio. His eyes were intently focused on the pole as if he had actually mounted a dirty stripper from the Kentucky Klub. Without warning, he maneuvered into the Vegas Showman by opening his hips, letting his left hand fly free over his head and continuing to thrust at an angle at his new found vertical iron post.
"It's impossible not to watch this train wreck," said one anonymous party-goer.
"He ain't no Timberlake," said another.
Five hours into the party Mr. Spaulding had discovered four things:
1. He REALLY liked Hairy Buffalo.
2. The hosts had a kick ass stereo system.
3. Digital Underground – Sex Packets.
4. An iron support pole in the center of the basement.
“He made that pole his bitch!” yelled Tim Fairly who emerged from the hot tub in the backyard and had only a Big Gulp cup covering his genitals.
"It's matter of taking what you want," exclaimed Spaulding over 'Freaks of the Industry'. "If you can get a hold of some bad ass, mind blowing music and you drink enough Hairy Buff you could be like me, grinding on this here pole!"
Less than an hour later Spaulding was discovered passed out at the kitchen table with a half empty glass of Rumpleminze and Kool Aid, face down in a plate of Ramen Noodles, smothered in Hooters 3 Mile Island wing sauce.
Story by Dudley Dawson
