John Boehner Adjourns Congress for Recess to Attend Annual Gathering of the Juggalos

Friday Sports Shorts

Bob Kravitz Fakes Mild Heart Attack to Evade Real Heart Attack

On Friday, Feb. 1 Indianapolis Star sports columnist Bob Kravitz suffered a fake mild heart attack which landed him a weekend stay at the hospital. Kravitz suffered the fake heart attack knowing that the very real possibility of his heart exploding out of his chest cavity could occur during the Pacer/Heat game Friday night or the IU/Michigan game on Saturday night.

“I had to take precautionary measures. Listen, if I have a serious heart attack, there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to make it out to $2 buck Tuesdays over at the Checkered Flag.”

Brutal Schedule Inspires Pacers

The Indiana Pacers beat the Philadelphia 76ers Wednesday night for their third straight victory in as many nights. No other team in the NBA will play back to back to back games this season. While the players were not excited about the schedule, coach Vogel recognizes a unique opportunity.

“Let’s face it, adversity brings out the best in these guys,” said a whip yielding, leather-clad Frank Vogel. “I’m going to do everything I can to make life a living hell for them between now and June.”

Vogel has lobbied the league to schedule more back to back games, including several double headers. Team members will not be allowed to sleep for more than four hours any night for the rest of the season. Vogel also implemented an unusually brutal individual training regimen to ensure maximum discomfort while training:

• Roy Hibbert must sleep on a bed of razor blades. 
• George Hill must listen to One Direction before each game. 
•David West and Tyler Hansborough will now wrestle alligators instead of weight training.

This string of victories prompted Vogel to bring back his controversial warm-up practices for the first time since Danny Granger was injured during a “trust fall" from the Kreig Devault section at Bankers Life Fieldhouse.

Ray Lewis Stabs Fan for old Times Sake

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis allegedly stabbed a patron at the Bombay Club in the French Quarter of New Orleans late Sunday night. Lewis was with a group of friends.

“We’ve been through this before and we know the drill,” said Jerrell McIntyre, a close friend of Lewis. “I didn’t see Ray do anything.”

While his friends closed ranks, Lewis was more open about the stabbing.

“You know, I’ve been sentimental recently,” said Lewis. “I realize how blessed I am and that this is the last opportunity I’ll have to stab a motherfucker at a Super Bowl celebration after party. You gotta appreciate the moments in life as they pass you by.”

Seattle Goes All in for King Felix 

         

On Thursday the Seattle Mariners signed Felix Hernandez to a contract extension that left many in the Pacific Northwest scratching their heads. Hernandez, a starting pitcher, will be paid $175 million over the next seven years. That makes Hernandez the highest paid pitcher in MLB history. However some of the other items in the contract confused baseball experts.

Starbucks will no longer charge Hernandez for anything on their menu. In addition to the money from the Mariners, the Washington state legislature passed a bill that would increase sales tax by 1%. All extra revenue generated from that increase will be paid to Hernandez. Finally, to keep him in the Pacific Northwest, Canada has officially turned over all land west of Calgary except for the city of Vancouver.

Puppy Bowl Massacre

On a sad note, Pit Bull puppy Anthony snapped after his toy was taken during Sunday’s Puppy Bowl. The Pit mix mauled and dismembered seven dogs causing the event to be canceled mid-way through. This was the worst Puppy Bowl mishap since the diarrhea disaster of ‘08.

Pacers Beat Miami 

The Indiana Pacers defeated the whiny Miami Heat by a score of 102 - 89 behind 30 points from David West. The Pacers showed confidence and were very aggressive on both ends of the court as they slowly built a double digit lead and held it for the duration of the game. After the game a frowny faced Eric Spoelstra stated the last two games against Indiana haven't been fair.

"The NBA needs to investigate the officiating," says a mean mugged Spoelstra. "Lebron has been called for way too many fouls when we've played them. It's like he gets whistled for a foul every other play!"

Lebron James was called for four fouls which doubles his personal foul total for the season. He was also called for traveling for the first time since 2005. After the game, Miami General Manager Pat Riley petitioned the NBA to open an investigation into all NBA officials for all of the "favortism they've shown Indiana" when these two teams play.

Meanwhile All Star Chris Bosh had 13 points, 2 rebounds, and 0 assists for the Heat while David West, not voted an All Star, had 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 5 assists for the Pacers. They play the same position. Just sayin

Friday Sports Shorts

Luck Replaces Brady in Pro Bowl

The NFL added Indianapolis Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck to the AFC Pro Bowl roster this week. Luck replaces New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who annually bows out due to unspecified injuries. 

Some speculate Brady injured himself attempting an uncoordinated karate kick at Ed Reed during the Patriots loss to the Ravens. But it's more likely he's just taking after his sore-loser coach, Bill Belichick, and would rather sit in a dark room and pout than play in the Pro Bowl. Brady refused to be interviewed after the decision, but could be spotted stomping out of the media room wearing a cut-off sweatshirt and UGG® boots.

Luck will backup the good natured, universally loved, former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning (who holds two more MVP awards than Tom Brady).

The Pro Bowl will take place this Sunday. If you're interested in watching the televised broadcast of the game, you should really, really consider getting some sort of hobby or finding a more fulfilling activity.

Chicago Cubs to Renovate Wrigley

The Chicago Cubs announced plans for a major renovation to historic Wrigley Field this week. Built in 1914, the ballpark has had only two major renovations until now.  The 1937 renovation added stairs to the upper decks. The park added lights and installed restrooms in 1988.

This renovation will add several 32" tube televisions near concession stands, VHS players will be added to the press room, Internet will be available through many open phone jacks, the stadium will add more than a dozen payphones and vendors will also begin offering soft drinks such as Tab and Slice.

No word on whether the stadium will address the out-of-control weed problem plaguing the outfield wall. 

New Orleans Changes Team Name Midseason

This week the New Orleans Hornets announced a team name change. Team officials cited a desire to come up with a team name that either related more with the city or with team owner, Tom Benson.  Benson held a private, booze-fueled, party for senior staff to brainstorm. 

Other names reportedly on the table at this social gathering were:  "Drunken Tourists," "Redbilled Woodcocks," "Floodies," "Show me your tits and I'll give you a necklace," and "Nickelback." 

The newly named Pelicans will retain this name until owner Tom Benson has another party. 

WOLVERINES! 

In B1G recruiting news Michigan locked up commitments from Penny Hardaway Jr., Jermaine O'Neal Jr. And Chris Mullins the VIII for the 2014 basketball season. 

More Manti!

Manti Te'o sat down with serious journalist Katie Couric for his first televised interview since Fake Dead Girlfriendgate broke. Te'o insisted that he is just very naive and dumb throughout the conversation, but also added that he is "faaaar from gay." No one is exactly sure what that odd statement means. Deadspin is trying to decide whether it means he is in fact gay or homophobic as their around the clock Te'o coverage continues.

Friday Sports Shorts

Armstrong Nuts Up and Comes Clean

Professional liar and former cyclist, Lance Armstrong, admitted to faking cancer this week. Armstrong told Oprah Winfrey in an exclusive interview that he injected his testicles with cancer to gain access to hospital meds and banned performance enhancing drugs while in recovery. It was all part of his broader, maniacal scheme to dupe the cycling world, gain lucrative endorsement deals and embarrass the French. He also took a moment to plug his new LIESTRONG bracelet, all proceeds from which go to support disgraced former athletes.

Te’o Linked to More Fake Dead Girls

Devout moron, Manti Te’o, is being called the Wilt Chamberlain of fake dead Internet girls after admitting earlier this week to dating more than 10,000 dead women from the Internet and fathering a dozen fake Internet children while at Notre Dame. Teammates claim Te’o frequently bragged about his swagger with the ladies on the web, but never got the chance to meet them in person because they were always either visiting family in another state, modeling in Europe or living in Canada. But, teammates were assured these ladies were all very, very real and like, super hot. But, one by one, they tragically died before friends got the chance to see them in person.

“I’m a little relieved to be honest,” said Brian Kelly, Notre Dame head coach. “All these girls ended up dead, I just assumed he was some sort of psycho killer. This is much better.”

Investigators are now looking into whether or not Manti Te’o’s grandmother ever actually existed.

Indianapolis Gets a Minor League Team for a Minor Sport   

Dozens of local soccer fans celebrated the news that some league will bring a professional soccer team to Indianapolis in 2014.

Soccer, played mostly by children in the United States and adults in Europe, the developing world and other lesser places is a game that involves pointlessly running around a field for 90 minutes. Occasionally the ball is kicked into a net resulting in a “goal.” The game is much like hockey, in that no one really cares about it.

If you’d like to play in this league you must sign-up before season registration ends on March 1. The league is also looking for local moms with mini-vans to drive the team to road games.

Arians Dumps Colts, Picks Birds Over Bolts

Indianapolis Colts Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians just signed on as the Head Coach for the Arizona Cardinals. Arians was a front runner for jobs in Chicago, Philadelphia, and San Diego. Sources say he passed on the Chargers job in favor of the Cardinals, despite San Diego’s larger talent pool. 

“The interview went well with Tom (Telesco),” said Arians. “They have a lot of special players there and I think they are on their way up. But, then I met Philip Rivers face to face. Holy crap, what a douchebag. You can’t pay me enough money to be in the same town as that ass hat. I’d rather take over a team where I have to post tryouts for a QB rather than tutor him!”

Brian Kelly Weighs All Options

After Notre Dame’s tough loss to Alabama in the BCS National Title game, Brian Kelly immediately went a week long whiskey bender. Rather than saying goodbye to his seniors Kelly ripped through four bottles of Jamison and was found in Philadelphia by the Notre Dame Athletic Department interviewing for Eagles head coaching position.

“I’m under contract with Notre Dame for a few more years but there’s nothing wrong with unzipping my pants to see if anyone else is interested,” said the drunken Irishmen. “I don’t give a fuck where or what I coach!” Kelly then blacked out.

It’s been reported that Kelly slept through a second interview with the Eagles that had been scheduled last Saturday morning.

After the initial interview Kelly left the country, going on a week long whiskey and beer tour. He was seen in England, Vancouver and Los Angeles interviewing for various coaching positions.

Saturday afternoon Kelly awoke at his desk in the Guglielmino Athletics Complex, where he chased two Advil with some Coors Light and announced he was staying at Notre Dame

ESPN filing lawsuit against Redskins and NFL for playoff field conditions

ESPN officially filed a lawsuit against the Washington Redskins for their field conditions prior to the Seahawks/Redskins game. The lawsuit claims the Redskins field negligence directly led to Robert Griffin III’s knee injury and lost the game for the Redskins.

“Now, without RGIII in the playoffs we have to show highlights of other teams we just don’t care about,”  pouted ESPN morning host Mike Greenberg. “RGIII is the greatest to ever play football and we have to be able to show highlights year round. Its just not fair!”

With RGIII and the Redskins out of the playoffs, ESPN would like the NFL to award all positive playoff statistics of remaining quarterbacks to RGIII.  For example, they would like to see the three touchdowns Joe Flacco tossed in Baltimore’s win over the Broncos tied to RGIII instead of Flacco Regardless of who wins the Super Bowl, ESPN would like the championship tied to the Redskins so they can start calling RGIII a Super Bowl Champion.

Blue II, Blue III, One Throne

Last week’s introduction of Blue III, or “Trip” as he is also known, by Butler University has many embracing the push toward future success. But why would the university introduce another bulldog?

Trip was born on Dec. 23, 2011 in Lizton, Indiana. He is the grandson of Ch. Cherokee Legend Rock, a very successful bulldog in the competition circuit. Both Blue II and Trip live with a Butler staff member. Often they are mistaken for father and son by visitors. They are far from it.

Not too long ago another young Bulldog was introduced in a deep-rooted fieldhouse located in central Indiana. His future was bright and no one knew the glory that would grace his presence and his team. Blue II was his name and his team made one of the most improbable runs in NCAA history. Twice.

Blue II's success was swift and his chubby little legs could hardly keep up with the celebrity that he was. The light of two finals appearances quickly turned to darkness with two finals losses. The offseason brought little satisfaction to Blue II’s hungry soul. Thousands of bitches came and went. Blue II couldn't have cared less. He had already leg-humped his way to the top. Quickly Blue II turned to another love, dog bones, booze and regrettably...cocaine. Celebrity had truly taken hold of Blue II

Trip, the little fur-ball on energy signifies the energy of this young Butler team. A team that struggled at the beginning of the season but now has found its way. Many believe this team can still make some noise in the NCAA tournament but a Horizon League Tournament Championship must be acquired for this team to gain entrance. Who better to lead this team to victory than little Trip?

Long gone are Blue II’s puppy ways and the skip in his step. His testicles dropped ages ago and growing older has taken its toll on this eight-year-old “dawg.”

Fans have turned on Blue II for his offseason behavior as well. A summer arrest in which Blue II was found guilty of sodomizing felines in the back of his limo produced a cloud of uncertainty for his future with the team. Many blame Blue II for his distractions, which prompted the lackluster start to the season.

Trip and Blue II will have their moment in the sun together, at the tip-off of the Horizon League Tournament. Trip will glide to fame across the court at Hinkle Fieldhouse. Rumors are swirling about Blue II's role. Some believe he'll be sitting on the sideline taking in a victory lap season before retirement. Others suggest euthanization in front of thousands of bloodthirsty Bulldog fans for the good of the team, a sacrifice to the Basketball Gods at the tip of the tournament. No matter what you believe, Blue II will not go quietly. The drunken bastard will gnaw the hand off of any groundskeeper that tries to place him in a garbage bag and bury him.

A Butler insider says that they expect big things from Trip and for Butler fans to embrace him. “Everyone loves a puppy.” And, it appears he’s right. Butler’s Feb. 18 home game sold out at the announcement of Trip’s impending introduction. Fans, alumni and students adored him. Blue II made a brief appearance before heading to Moe and Johnny’s and ending up at the bottom of a bottle of Beam Eight Star. "We've got special plans for Blue II as well," noted the insider. A grim foreshadowing.

Butler officials dispute all the above rumors, saying, “Having Trip on hand now means he will learn from the best and be fully prepared for the day when he officially takes the reins as Butler’s ‘Top Dawg.’” Just propaganda to save face by Butler higher-ups, secretly shoving their dignity aside for a greater good. A disgraceful ending to a tragic mascot.

Story by Kay Anderson

Make-A-Wish Fulfills Eli's Super Bowl Dream

The Make-A-Wish foundation has granted wishes for thousands of children battling life threatening medical conditions. This week Eli Manning, seen here soliciting an autograph from a member of the media, will have his wish granted. Although no one is sure what Manning suffers from, one thing is for sure, that goofy bastard should be wearing a helmet 100 percent of the time.

The foundation stepped up to the plate when they fielded a phone call from a concerned New York vagabond who witnessed little Manning walking around with his head stuck in his shirtsleeve. A failed attempt to put on a common V-neck by the half-pint Manning. Others watched in amazement as Manning was determined to fit his melon through the wrong hole of his shirt, many even cheering him on. Manning seemed to thrive off of the crowd, smiling and bursting out with screams of joy while he flailed about. Eventually the little guy tuckered out and took a nap.

Make-A-Wish reached out to Manning, even though no obvious medical condition could be confirmed, and granted him one wish. Merriment swelled in Manning’s eyes as he gazed at his neck-less brother Peyton and made the wish of playing for his second ring, one more than his older brother.

"I know he's bigger than me," mumbled Manning, as his nearby father reminded him to sit-up straight and speak up. "But, he got to go to two. I thought maybe I could go to two Super Bowls too. And after that I hope we can all get ice cream!"

This, however, is not the first time the organization has reached out to Manning. While on a trip to Miami to watch his big brother play football, the foundation surprised the younger Manning and sent Taylor Lautner to help him construct a sand castle.

"It was the best day of my life because we ate ice cream in the sand," said Manning."

When contacted, Make-A-Wish could not confirm that they were indeed going to provide any ice cream for this wish.

Story by Hate Nurst